vesica piscis

2003-04-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

hello all, it has been a while now, hasn't it? such an interesting new way of learning that I will do my best to convey to all in good time. I love you all and poop!

2003-04-03T23:28:00.000-08:00

come inside.

give it all.

you are sanctified.

2003-04-02T13:37:00.000-08:00

"props" shall be allotted to anna becker. you guys remember anna from germany? she wrote me out of nowhere one day and has kept in touch ever since.

I can't begin to explain how great things are right now. I'm close to saying how lucky I feel I am, but there's just something about everything that is going on that I can't attribute to just 'luck.'

I guess the latest topic of conversation has been the subject of conversation itself. I ran into james at denny's last nite and our chat led me think about how I really don't have that many people I enjoy talking to about my daily 'new thoughts' or about anything I read. no one seems too interested, for various reasons I'm sure. I miss having conversations that really prompt me to think about things. and not JUST behavioral insights or opinions. interesting SUBJECTS and theories. applicable to things in my daily days. I don't feel I get that so much. I cannot get out of my head what shannon's friend amanda started me thinking about, and this all after one thing, ONE THING she said. I was like, "hey, do have anything interesting to tell me? any thoughts you find worth while?" and boy did she. now, THAT'S how it's supposed to work. butchering her idea goes a little something like this: when writing a book, authors have to be careful not to direct the story and lessons learned too much for the reader. not allow their idea of what is to be gotten from the story to overshadow and dominate the readers own take on it. to allow for openness.

all these scholars and people o' plenty who say, "no, this is what he means!" "no, you're wrong, he's saying this."
point is, no one knows exactly what any author gets from their own book, what THEY were trying to convey. it's taken me a while, and I'm still learning it, but it's all JUST a matter of perception, and a person is only going to get what they need, when they need it from said piece. nothing more, nothing less. what they do get can, and usually does change over time, but none the less. and of course, this is ONLY my opinion. hell, maybe that's not what amanda meant at all.

so today's post has been a break from my misogyny, and I'd like to give a big "whoa vagina!" to those two extraordinary ladies named anna and amanda. keep it up bitches. I say that with the utmost respect.

newt, you're the best!
see you guys at thunder!

2003-03-30T16:44:00.000-08:00

I love my people.

2003-03-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

I hate when public speakers try to rally the crowd by getting louder and placing over dramatized emphasis on chosen words. the combination of the two might go a little something like this.. picture if you will......

speaker: "the honorable men in the army, Navy, the AIR
force, COAST GUARD AND MARINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crowd: ROARS!!! "YEAH!!!!! he's knows the branches of
the military! YEA!!!!!!!!!"

or, perhaps imagine this one.....

speaker: "the hindering groups of the gays, Blacks, the
GYPSIES, HANDICAPPED AND JEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

crowd: ROARS!!! "JAAA!!!!! DAS IST GANZ GUT!!!
HEIL HITLER, HEIL HITLER!!!!!!!!"

keep in mind there ARE variations.... hahah good ol' hitler. he comes in so handy

oh, and for the record, carl jung ...IS AWESOME.

2003-03-26T02:22:00.000-08:00

okay, so the last two posts have been a little uncharacteristic, and failing miserably in the abstract-randomness category. it's just that so much has been going on in my head lately. I just read newt's last entry on his live journal, and basically I must concede the same. there is just too much. I've been trying to accept the fact that I will not be able to wrap my head around this war and all that it entails, but my mind has been racing this past week. so many different views, perspectives. one thing that does seem to be a constant, no matter from which angle I look, is that no matter what happens; someone will be unsatisfied, someone will be temporarily pacified, and plenty others will enter a new day unaffected by any of it. I have this semi-long spiel about how our (USAs) decades of negligence has played a huge role in this betiding war, and how I feel our failure to recognize and take responsibility for that negligence will only lead to the same, if not a more severe, level of dissonance in the future. that was the short version. ie: we have declared Iran to be part of the -AXIS OF EVIL!!- *said in deep and maniacal voice* with all of our focus on Iraq, let's say we get rid of the Iraqi government, this oppressive regime. (god am I sick of that phrase) saddam, the crazy madman with the infamous 'stache, and his tyrannical days are over. and the americans rejoice. we may even *craftily* humble ourselves *GASP!* and take responsibility for defying the whole god damned world and hold ourselves accountable for our vigilante approach to this "global injustice" and "saboteur of freedom." and then!?!?!? and then... ignore the fact that Iran's supreme leader the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has less than ... give or TAKE 5% (or let's say 10% ... for optimism's sake) of the support of his own people. perhaps we're hoping for their president Mohammad Khatami to straighten things out. or, perhaps we have no public interest in them at all. liberating the iraqi people. it sure does sound good, doesn't it? when are we going to give a fuck about every country in that situation. and what are we going to do if we DO decided to care? declare war? we better teach our boys how to fly apache helicopters first. oh, and how not to throw grenades at each other. I guess they don't teach diplomacy 101 at yal6e.

where to draw the line indeed.

it all just seems like a game. one hell of a fucked up game. I'm the iron! nite all.

2003-03-23T22:25:00.000-08:00

he's just a kid. a god damned kid.

the sad part is, I already know it will happen all over again. maybe it has to be this way? cellular learning 101.

so much further to go, god I love this.

it's calling me

2003-03-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

one day I'm going to awake and think to myself, "how the hell did that make sense to me?" my whole life, a joke. an unrequited method of being that I seem to be at a loss for conveying the confusion of.

before we all go under

2003-03-22T01:15:00.000-08:00

it's official 0=2

word on the street is 2=0

what a crazy place.

2003-03-20T22:26:00.000-08:00

does anyone else just assume that blogs are predominately kept by white people? why is it that I do? I guess it just makes sense, seeing as how black people can't read or write.

HAHAHHA, oh christ. I could be smited for that one. so I was listening to NPR tonite. I like that station, but with all this talk of war, they get different opinions, and I was just too damn emotional to listen to it. I've never been effected like this before by information about an event. I didn't feel a thing when I heard about the world trade center stuff, but hearing about us bombing iraq is really bothering me. I saw a plane fly over head tonite, and I realized that I have no iota of fear for that plane dropping a bomb. but there are people in the world, in VARIOUS places in the world, that do worry about that.

ah, enough war talk.

I had a great time talking to peter tonite. we finally had our talk where we laid our thoughts out on the table. that is how I want every discussion to go. not once did we get to a point where we both had to stop talking and say, "okay, let's ...just...yeah. drop it. *sigh* so uh.. this"
it was great. I'm so happy about that.

claire's "boo for the nite" award goes to Don, the dirty old man who owns hoosier hills golf club. boo on him, for he is just a dirty old man.

2003-03-19T22:41:00.000-08:00

I received a most lovely email from simone tonite. sometimes it's just insane how differently people can see the same damn thing. I'll not go into it now. it's late, but let it be said tonite.. I LOVE communication. even the lack of it, which reminds you just how important it is. even when it goes horribly "wrong." I love it. what a crazy contraption.

newt called tonite, that was so nice. I love when people call me and tell me they're having a good time. I love that people are visiting around the nation. different places, different stories. I just know learning is being done, and good times are being had. what a great fucking day. well. relatively speaking, of course. it was so weird to think tonite, while I was running syler at deam lake. there I was on this beautifully bright-lit nite, with my amazing dog, at a park, after a day of hanging out, reading. and on the other side of the world, the nite sky is lit up by something other than a gorgeously full moon. I barely have a clue of how great I have it. but that clue is enough to bring tears to my eyes as I write even this. I can't believe we can't see how precious we all are. even mad men with silly mustaches. I hope anyone who reads this will join me in giving thoughts and/or prayers of peace, compassion and understanding. whatever your thing is.

compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion
compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion
compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion
compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion

good nite world

2003-03-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

what better day could you ask for than a day that involves mass drunkeness AND commencing with war?

I got started into an interesting conversation tonite, though I was much too tired for it to go anywhere, it got my mind a' movin'. I just can't help but to go back in my mind to the conversation I had with this guy from Iran named "mike" (given name involved major mispronunciation and spitting, so 'mike' was how he was called). the things he said, and how he said them, really made me think about just how much I DO NOT know (or think I know) concerning the opinions of the world. I just assume "everyone hates us, and with due reason. we're ignorant, materialistic, of low moral character and inexplicably egotistical." but that, I believe, is just as much as a naive perception as saying "we're #1! they're just jealous of our freedom! super size it!" one viewpoint is cynical, the other is apparently exclamatory. either way, again I found myself in a situation where I was "taking" a side, as if there were only two aspects of this "americans and their war" situation.

here I've been saying "no war. no war." but have I, or anyone else for that matter, offered a viable alternative solution AND had it enacted? obviously not, I just saw the W announce the war cry. I'd love to stand here and say, "yes, we need to take a step back, see all the angles we can of this situation and find the most compassionate, humanitarian and prolific answer(s)." but how long do we honestly intend on "standing around, pontificating our pacifistic resolve?" we're stuck here with one hand holding a candle and the other hand's thumb up our asses while a mediocre president's cocky son declares war. someone's getting something done, and it doesn't seem to be the peaceful patriots. maybe I'm missing it. it just seems that the one thing "we" don't want done is at the top of the "to do" list of our leaders. we're working up the numbers, but what are we doing with them? I'm not asking for a coup, I'm not even asking for a classic style revolution. is it resigned to ask for us as a nation to recognize what we've gotten ourselves (and by association, the rest of the world) into and then work within those confines to start anew? why this hostile "bring down the monster" attitude? do you think you're exempt? think again. and then again. don't stop questioning your motives and intentions and perceptions. ever. this war is on. I have played my part and tomorrow is a new day. there is a new message to be heard and it's not "no war." we are officially beyond "no war." we need a greater understanding. tomorrow I will play my role in perpetuating the need for this new understanding.

for compassion in war brings victory
in defense, brings invulnerability

oh and... for the record "the hunted" is a horrible, horrible movie, and tommy lee jones's character never did find his keys. "about schmidt" is WELL worth watching however. and "donnie darko" is so god damned good. nite all.

2003-03-16T10:26:00.000-08:00

march 16th 1244

the award for March's "Bad Guy of the Month" goes to Abbot of Citeaux for the spoken order at the beginning of the Albigensian Crusade, launched by King Phillippe Auguste of France and Pope "not so" Innocent III, which goes a little something like this...

"Kill them all, God will know his own."

~Cathars~ (Pure Ones)

In typical Gnostic fashion they eschewed the dogma, rules, regulations, indulgences, and penances of the mainstream Roman Catholic Church. For them a knowledge of a higher love and a practice of human kindness was what was spiritually and effectually necessary. They were anti-hierarchical primarily in the political and social sphere.

an heretical group of ascetics living their lives in a consciously and unconsciously humanitarian nature. god forbid.

Because of their popularity, the Cathars eventually became a threat to the power and authority of the Roman Catholic Church. Catholic churches grew more and more empty as people flocked to the spiritually living movement of the bons hommes (the good people), preaching a doctrine of simplicity and a higher love. The crusade against the Cathars, however, was primarily a political rather than a religious one. King Phillippe Auguste of France wanted the rich lands and wealth of Southern France, so he joined with the Pope (Pope Innocent III) to declare a religious crusade against them. The crusade went on for many years. In every city, hundreds and, in some cases, thousands of people were maimed, dispossessed, slaughtered by the Kings’s soldiers, or burned at the stake by the officials of the Catholic Church. The most conservative estimate is that a quarter of a million people were slain. When the King’s soldiers asked the Abbot of Citeaux how they should know the Catholics from the Cathars, the Abbot replied, “Kill them all, God will know his own.

The last Cathar stronghold was at Montsegur. The remaining Perfecti (Parfait) {priests - not to be confused with the dessert} of the Cathar movement gathered there with their supporters. Having taken religious vows against the shedding of blood, the Perfecti were unable to defend themselves against the armies of the King, but, throughout the crusade against them, thousands of people, some not even of their faith, villagers, noblemen and their knights rose to their defense. After a ten month siege 200 Cathar Perfecti and 300 defending soldiers stood off ten thousand soldiers of the King of France, but eventually the king’s soldiers found a way through the defenses of the fortress, and the defenders could protect the Cathars no longer. On March 16th of the year 1244, the remaining Cathars surrendered and filed out to their captors. They were herded onto a great pyre surrounded by fencing and soldiers, yet through the flames they exited the world and entered into that liberation beyond the limitations and cruelty of this world, where no more torment could touch them. It is said that they went without a cry, not even a whimper, but left their earthly lives singing a hymn of praise and thanksgiving to the God of Kindness and Compassion who was certainly not of the world that inflicted such cruelty upon the truly “good people” of all humanity.

happy montsegur day everyone!

2003-03-15T00:35:00.000-08:00

an ill timed nap has left me wide awake yet motivationless at 3:22 a.m.

I'm going to go try to read so that I may have a better understanding of what the fuck I'm talking about, and more effectively share information with others. the ides of march are upon us. you guys remember the ides of march? and steve in his underwear and jody rambling non sensically while craig ate crackers?? oh, good times. and then, the following day is a sad, sad date in history. fucking crusades.

good nite all!

2003-03-13T18:26:00.000-08:00

fuckin A!

2003-03-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

list time!

1) everyone LOVES victoria. I mean, I know she's great, but damn!?
2) peter is scaring me
3) the pineal gland is cone shaped and has a cornea, retina, a LENS .. AND it's light sensitive...when the fuck did that happen!?!? in *light* of this new information, I hereby declare that EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED
4) run ronnie run. did we all just forget about this movie and how it should be released?
5) enjoying being me and spending time with myself
6) excited about going on tour
7) ordered my asmodeus t-shirt, YEY!

2003-03-12T02:20:00.000-08:00

I had such an INTERESTING (hahahha) nite tonite. I am in such a neat mood right now. one of self assurance and a sense of openness. wow. I'm tired now, but on my next post I do want to mention a piece about the splendidness that has developed and the very curse of that splendidness..iosity. yes. and the following lines meant SO much to me the other nite, though I've heard them THOUSANDS of times, this time they were so personal. nite all!

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, (<---!!!!!!!!!!) to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of *our divinity* and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going, going...

*sigh* I swear it is as if these words where created souly to describe the feelings I have had at the various moments of my life. a pure poet. thank you so much.

2003-03-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

I live more than what you'll ever know
but I give you more than what I'll ever show

I'll live more than what you'll ever know
and I'll give you more than what I'll ever show

more than I'll ever show
more than I'll ever show

2003-03-06T11:28:00.000-08:00

finnegans wake and bake. it's funny!

speaking of people named james, I once knew this guy who was really bad at segues. I'm glad I'm not him.

so this saturday I'm going to be in st. louis getting "attuned" so I may see more clearly with my iii<-- and open up my chakras to allow for healing energy to flow through me. I just hate when my chakras are out of whack. I just started reading "DMT the spirit molecule." we'll see how that one turns out. I'm eager to get back home and find a job I like and save up some money. I hope something comes about concerning me living with peter and simone for a short while. well, all this is ennuiical. HAHAHA. fuck yes, that is my new word. so, I'll just post more when I get home.

until then: "when I tell people about you and what you're doing they ask me, 'why doesn't she work?' I tell them you do work! you have a full time job. I'm just wondering when your job will take you overseas."

-my mom on "what I do"

2003-03-05T21:48:00.000-08:00

I have made it safely and soundly to colorado springs. yey. what a fan-fucking-tastic trip that was. the plan is to leave here on friday. home home home. my only future plans as of now are to go home, make some money, and find out when a perfect circle is touring. I had so much fun just in those few days of following tool, and I wish I would have gone to more shows. no regrets however, but that doesn't mean I can't learn from it, and see more more MORE in the future. I NEED constant stimulation. speaking of which, I'm going to go do something. not sure what, but the mood suddenly came upon me to do something. so.

2003-03-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

some sweet gravity

okay, okay, I promise, I'm leaving here soon. plans to leave today are in the works. I went down to santa monica yesterday to say "so long" and "I wish you well" and I had the most wonderful day. I got to see everyone I wanted, I laughed, I cried, (the crying part was on account of me listening to some street kid talk about how he just found out his mom slit her wrists and died the nite before.) went from an angel to a law breaker, to a friend to a stalker. what a DAY! so I met this incredibly cool guy up at GNC (where my friend megan works) and he gave me his card. we chatted for half an hour. it all started when he over heard that I had a tim leary book, high priest, and we talked about so many different things, and he was so fucking smart and just giving me these history lessons. turns out he's in a hurry, so he gives me his card with his phone number and address. he says he's an artist. days later, my last day in town, I go into this local restaurant I have been in 20 times with this friend, and I look on the wall and there's the guy! there's this picture of him in this black wrester's tank top.. THINGY with this shaved head and mean look on his face!! I was like, "hey, he looks like that guy I met." then I see the name "john lykes" and I'm like.. "HOLY SHIT! THAT'S THE GUY!" I don't know what the hell that picture has to do with his background, but I thought it was funny. I look up his name on google and turns out he designed the cover to the "we are the world" album. I told amber, and we're going to find out if he has any galleries open around town and if so, check out his stuff. he was so COOL!

I've just been so happy these last few days. I'm reading a book called "into the wild" right now, about this kid who back in the 90's (hahah like that was so long ago) went off hitchhiking then trekking into the alaskan wilderness. he ended up dying and all, but this guy researched him and had a journal the kid kept, and talked to all these people this kid met and knew. got the story. it's fun. kind of makes me think of what I was writing about in my last post. as I'm reading this book, all I can think is, "wow, I could have a book about my stories, and make more stories and people could really like it." then again, I think it helps that this kid died. it makes it that much more... what's the word.. like all the great novels and stories, the classics. there is no open endedness about well, is this kid really an asshole. no, he's not.. BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY DEAD. "it's illigal to be an asshole... WHEN YOU'RE DEAD!" it's like that authoritarian figure. the potential is there for this kid to be this stoic, intense, full-of-desire-for-the-essence-of-life character. basically he's whatever you want him to be. I think that adds to the appeal of the story. it allows the reader's imagination to run wild and the story ends up being exactly what the reader needs. holy shit, that's crazy! think about it.. personally, I maybe need this story to think that there are people out there who, because they could live no other way, live a life of risk and deliberate adventure. it inspires me. whereas, other people may read this book, and they have heard the kid's story, and they say he was a foolish child who was running away from his problems which he brought upon himself and was too afraid to take responsibility for, and was unprepared and ignorant of the reality of the life which he so groundlessly idealized. maybe those people need to think that for their own comfort, you know? It's ALL just a matter of FUCKING PERSPECTIVE. I think your outlook on stories like this are very telling of what you look for in situations and how you deal with life. wow, this is very interesting to me.

well, enough rambling, I'm off. feel free to think kind thoughts about me getting rides from nice people and changing their lives in a positive manner. I'll see you all soon

amber says: "uuuh uuhh... do I dare disturb the universe?"

2003-02-28T12:13:00.000-08:00

so believe it or not, there was actually a SMALL part in the movie "the life of david gale" that was half way decent. I don't remember much of it, so I'll have to half ass paraphase. (I was unable to concentrate due to all the FUCKING spinning. I guess when you're a director and you have to admit to yourself that you have no particular style, or any original ideas or effective creativity, you can just SWIRL the camera around and around and people MAY think you are artistic) so. david gale was a philosophy professor ( I think) and he was going on some speil about people needing those ideas, unrealistic as they may be, that they idealize and groundlessly *chase that pretty lie* and that constant goal, attainable or not, is essential to .... something. as I said, half ass paraphrasing. I found myself saying, "oh yes? who says this again? maybe I should read up on this.." seeing as how it relates to me being FUCKING obsessed with things of which I do not know for what they are, other than what I need them to be for me to be inspired, hopeful and influential. is that really so bad? that "truth" that "reality" of afformentioned idea is still only a perception. what's wrong with a chosen perception that I know first hand elicites positivity and optimism? that perception which incites thought, feeling.. EMOTION PERCEPTION AND APPRECIATION. that's exactly what I'm "looking for" so why disparage the medium by which I receive those gifts? jesus christ, how could I have never seen this before? let it be said there is also much to be learned in that moment of "reality" when you confront your ideal and see it for something else. I think the lesson is to not be let down by your "askew" perceptions and allow for a new understanding. well, amber is home, so I'm off to santa monica to say my good byes and make some money for the road. what an amazing trip this has been. UNforgettable. I wish I could begin to share in writing what has happened here. tomorrow I will leave here and head for colorado. I am so happy in this moment. each breath should be dedicated to a greater understanding of everything's place and quintessence.

I love you ALL.

we haven't imagination enough to know what we're missing.
celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing

2003-02-26T15:30:00.000-08:00

sometimes things are so mutual, you can't help but notice... now you need MORE.

in my month and week's time out here, I have learned so much. in so many different ways too. I find myself sitting in front of this computer screen not really knowing what to write. I could list the books I have read since I got here, I could mention little blurbs about the people I have met here, or I could write useless garb of "what I could write." I guess I've just been inside too long. it's sunny out, and my dog is cute. there is SO MUCH to be discovered, and the best part is, it's right in front of us. it's in your face and you can grab it. take THAT mike patton! he says, "touche" wherever he is.

even our imagination cannot begin to conceive of what there actually is

2003-02-18T12:09:00.000-08:00

resistance is of the past. the lessons we are to learn for the sake of our future are not to be inspired by fears of inferiority and insignificance. the laws of old are losing thier effect on the genuinely hopeful and authentic children of today. polarity is not a teacher, and the good book is just a book.

all in all I'm still learning and it is ever more interesting as the days go by. just yesterday though, I must admit, I was approached with the thought of 'what if I never find a group of people who I won't pick apart individually.' maybe that day will come when I realize I am just as flawed so to speak, and we are all just unique, and that individuality is to be openly embraced rather than accutely dissected. I guess I just haven't gotten to me yet. either way, it is a good day. I am very content with my present mood. it's hopeful and contemplative. I feel strong. I have come such a long way from just a year ago. three years ago. five years, good lord was I a mess! can't wait to see where I'll be tomorrow.

reality is subordinate to perception

2003-02-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

I embrace my desire to feel connected
to be inspired
to realize the infinite possibilities
to not be limited by statistics

long story short, my birthday wish just may come true on february 27th. more on that subject later.
as for now, all you need to know is everything is in its right place.

I'm learning to recognize the necessity of every moment. if there is ever to be had a moment of complete recognition of the perfection of every moment, this moment, that... I believe is enlightenment. I am very. very happy in this moment. god I need to write my book. rest assure there are so many good people in the world. sometimes they just need to be reminded of that fact. remind someone today.

things do not change; people change

2003-02-13T13:48:00.000-08:00

I was just checking up on my good friend newt, and found he has moved (quite some time ago) to a live journal where upon I read an entry reminding me about my nite yesterday. how did I spend my 21st birthday you ask? well, come evening time I had to abscond with my dog from a house bombarded with "news." tom FUCKING brokaw, or how the hell ever you spell his name, the BBC, nbc, abc, whatever you're watching, whatever you're reading, listening to... WAR this, WAR that. holy shit. does anyone who has a voice just NOT WANT WAR? we've got people, like newt mentioned, like chomsky who can take the intellectual and even logical sense of peace and discuss it until the sun comes up, making one good point after another, but when it comes down to it, isn't it also just as significant that I, claire dufton, don't want 'my country' to go to war? even if it simply is because... *brace yourselves* I DON'T WANT WAR. I had to get out of the house when I heard some guy recounting his experience at a local wal-martesque store, "I just went in to get some keys copied when I saw everyone buying *enter name of latest technology of gas masks and chemical warfare protection devices here* and I just panicked and bought one myself." I almost threw up. I just took my dog out for a walk and started crying. how can it have gotten this far? why do I feel so helpless about changing anything? I even got into a short conversation with bob, an ex air force bomber, and I asked something about what saddam wants to do to us. long story short he had no answer because the only thing that is floating around is "what saddam COULD do to us" which, as far as the american public is concerned is what he WILL do to us, and IN FACT, we're lucky this MAD MAN hasn't done it already. so.. hurry, let's bomb his ass before he gets a chance to do anything. I once read a one-line thought of someone's response to their thoughts on the catholic church, and the response was "self preservation at any cost." jesus christ, is that what we've become? how can we be a part of this? this, "strike first, destroy all who may pose any threat" ideology? I'm a part of it! it makes me sick to my stomach and all I can feel is helpless. not even hopeful anymore. this is so ridiculous. I saw this picture on the news of saddam hussein and he had his silly mustache and black beret on as always dipicted and he was taking a puff of a cigar and laughing. I thought it was so funny. in that moment, I respected him more than I ever have george W bush. how fucked is that? at least the guy looked like he was having fun. the man has huge portraits of himself strewn about his country! painted on walls, buildings! it's so FUNNY! just thinking about that silly mustache and hat.. god damn, I'm starting to like the guy! this all just feels like a game. we take it so seriously.

on a lighter and higher note, I finished another bob frissell book. his words instill in me that oh-so familiar feeling of what's right, and what's truly possible, and that's anything. EVERYTHING! he has this theory thing going on about how the spiritual growth and development of humans is advancing at an unprecidented rate, even by universal standards, and in fact, our planet and existance should have been wiped out years ago, but somehow here we are. and we don't even realize how special today is. apparently we have suprised the entire spectrum of life (extradimensional life in particular) by being here, and there is the hope that we can do something never done before. and it seems so clouded by the fact that a small group of people, puppeteered by WHO THE HELL KNOWS, can within days thrust us into a world war. fuck fuck fuck fuck.. fuck on a fuck cracker. here's to unity! *clashes chalice filled with hemlock*

HA. that was supposed to be the lighter note. I'm listening to radioheads 'bullet proof' right now. it's set on repeat, and has been for the past hour. somehow even it can't cure me from looking into this little 3-4 year old girls eyes next to me and feeling just a little hopeless. she doesn't even know who saddam hussein is. and neither do I. I guess that's one thing we have in common.

you have turned me into this
I just wish that it was bullet proof

2003-02-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

hello all. california has been lovely, mostly until today. I'm bored out of my mind, and find myself here only out of obligatory moral duties. the reoccurring lesson for me on this trip has been that good company demands self sufficiency. I find myself uninspired by anyone or anything out here, and though I am not sad or upset about it, it does remind me of that burning question of "where do I find what inspires me?" people. situations. both allude me. I have confidence in the belief that it will change, and, most importantly, CAN change within a matter of seconds, but for the last 33 hours, I have found myself quite unenchanted with my present surroundings. it's also raining, so maybe that has something to do with it. I want WARM and SUNSHINE.

I read "nickel and dimed" and enjoyed it. it makes me want to write my own book. all the author did was put herself in certain situations, and gave her perceptions, thoughts and insights on them. FUCK! I can do that. this trip has been such a lesson for me in so many ways.

is there not joy ineffable in this aimless winging?

ineffable is a new favorite word of mine. it seems to be perfect to describe so many things that mean so much to me. I'm sick of trying to explain to people what I think or how I feel about certain things. it seems to only belittle my idea of those things. I'll post more when I get back to colorado. it seems so scary to leave from los angeles. like, if there was any place a "weirdo" would pick me up, it'd be from here. but, we'll think positive thoughts and I trust my ferocious companion known as 'syler' will protect me.

for I am divided for love's sake for the chance of union

2003-01-16T00:51:00.000-08:00

when push
comes to pull
comes to shove
comes to step around
this self destructive dance
that never would've ended
till I
rose
and I
roared aloud
hear my will
I am

2003-01-15T17:08:00.000-08:00

joyous time, joyous time. things are going well in my world. I'm going to keep this post short. to all those times, the moments of doubt and hesitation, self destruction and atrophy... I remember you. I remember you well. if we never meet again, life will go on, but it is an odd sort of pleasure to have met you, and to have gotten to know you so well.

"if you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. if you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

I hope you ALL are open to what life has to offer you. I'm in a good, good mood, so know that my quote for tonite is not meant to be somber. I love you guys! off to california I go, when I'll stop? NOBODY KNOWS!

"the purpose of accepting authority is to learn to outgrow it."

2003-01-12T22:52:00.000-08:00

why do people allow themselves to be dominated? I do not want to be a part of lowering people in the illusion that I am elevating them.

I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down

I was driving home and as I got in the car, thinking about my current situation, and sober came on the *shittiest* radio. *station I have
ever heard* I could only relate the words to myself, and my actions. why do I allow myself to become so degrading to my own friends? people I care about. and I think they allow it because I give the perception that I wouldn't do that! I'm a tricky bitch all right. I give and give and give self confidence, assurance that I'm not one of the assholes... but before I know it, I have become the controller. the predator, posing as a house pet.

I just want to start this over

I feel I have not yet met anyone recently that wouldn't allow me to dominate them. it's not a conscious effort, that's why I feel okay about it. I'm learning. I have found a strange peace in my moments of retrograde. it is a comfort in the knowledge that I will learn from it, and a valuable lesson at that. I used to focus so much on the past and how I had fucked up. so self-destructive. that has no place with me now. I want to find at least one person, a new person, that I feel a mutual standing with. maybe even a guru. however, I don't want to take on the role of 'pupil' too quickly, for I may myself fall into the submissive role where I lose myself to groundless admiration and idolatry. I do not wish for that.

I think this is a lovely realization and I am very excited to see what I draw to myself in the near future. I would like to be humbled by something other than myself. if I don't find something else, I may begin lying to myself. then I'll be a real nitemare.

I want what I want
I want what I want
I want what I want
I want
what I want

2003-01-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

slipping back into the gap again

there is such a gap between my awareness of my negative attitude towards people and my ability to go beyond it. I have control issues that, if go unchecked, can become the very actions/reactions I despise. the sad part is, I can even tell sometimes when I am annoyed by someone/something, yet I take no action to ameliorate the situation causing that annoyance. in fact, it's happening right now, as I type this. how the fuck am I to deal with this? I'll put some thought into it, and perhaps, in time, I can GROW THE FUCK UP. heh, I'm in a good mood, though. so that's nice. I trust everything will work itself out.

it's something about... some kind of percieved hypocracy. I've been surrounded, it seems lately, by a smothering amount of it. and I'm afraid that the only reason I'm recognizing it, is because I know I suffer from the same problem. psychology 101 would be able to whittle this down to my insecurities, but we're not going to solve that issue in one bold sweep now are we. I don't like when people try to understand my personal thoughts. I feel I share a good deal of my opinions with friends and even strangers, I don't want to have to explain every little detail of how I came to a trivial thought. it's invasive to me. is that just selfishness in disguise? I don't think so. I believe I have a right to my own thoughts. my own truth. my own perceptions. my own divinity. find your own! haha. good nite all.

shhhhhhhhhh

2003-01-12T11:40:00.000-08:00

I've been seeing a lot of triple digits lately, mostly on clocks.

so I called up megan, my friend in los angeles, and she mentioned how kids on the streets are getting their dogs checked for licenses (conveniently, I don't have one for syler) and sometimes, if the local 'authority' considers your dog a threat, you have to muzzle your dog, and if you don't, they can impound your dog. god I hate being so anxious about things such as this that ABSOLUTELY should not apply to me. even at the border they will check her, make sure she has her shots and that we aren't smuggling any fruit in up her ass. the whole state has a huge precautionary stick up its ass. I can't wait to get back out there though, stick or no. I'm about half way through "the gnostic gospels" and it's interesting. I'm in the middle of a chapter about martyrdom. my shallow, shallow take on it is: the whole idea has been romanticized past the point of effectiveness and sometimes even sincerity. I'm not pro on the idea of "proving" what you believe anyways, muchless proving it with the price of "life." which, is really death. you want to be effective? LIVE your belief. so much emphasis on jesus and his teachings was overshadowed by the fact that he DIED. if he had lived his life saying the loving and insightful things he (perhaps) did, and died a natural death of some sort around age 50 or 62? would people remember his life so well then? apparently not, because the manner of his death has become essential to the power of his words. it takes one of most people's worse fears, dying, (and insignificantly so) and turns it into the one thing they can do right. it just seems so contrived.

not all martyrs see divinity, but at least you tried

also, I think if christianity condoned suicide, there would be fewer 'christians' in the world. the very ones who would martyr themselves to "prove" their belief. fucking proof. I got your proof right here *throws banana*

I have no idea how throwing a banana proves anything!

hehe at the moment, I am perplexed. something amazingly synchronistic just happened. now, I'm futilely trying not to 'read anything into it' but oh man. wow. fuck it's great to be me. holy HOLY. hahaha. I think I'd better go now. I love you all, and super perfundo on the early eve of your day

2003-01-10T23:31:00.000-08:00

has anyone mentioned lately how cool I am? because I was just thinking about it, and... damn, am I cool.

2003-01-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

safely made it to colorado. I'm afraid I'm not being the best host to shannon. the stay here was supposed to be fun and ... hell, FUN. but instead we hardly speak to each other and she has slept, I'd say... 79% of the time I've been here and awake. she slept through all day yesterday. throwing sleep schedules awry doesn't seem to me to be progressive in our attempt to be happy around each other. fuck, we sound like some jaded couple having marital problems. on a lighter note, I'm having a lovely little time. took a short jog today (damn it's gorgeous here) and I just started reading "the gnostic gospels" by elaine pagels. a woman actually has smart things to say! go figure. I think I'll read it all while I'm here *hope hope hope* also, larry just mailed me my copy of ignatius donnelly's "atlantis: the antediluvian world." I'm excited. I think I'll be reading that in los angeles. sometimes I feel so self confident, so self assured. (I'd like to think) not in this arrogant way, but in a very genuine way. then, I read things, mostly about other people, what they have to say, and I feel so incompetent. it's not from some personal experience. it seems so groundless. when will I realize I'll never know "everything" in this lifetime and be content with that? eh, those are just the thoughts on my mind as of this moment. anyone ever wonder .... eh. until next post. oh and.. hitler was a dumbass. sorry folks, it did take me this long to realize, but. better late than jewish. so long

2003-01-03T14:26:00.000-08:00

I love being me. it's so great! I love having realizations. realizations about yourself, others, situations, interactions. I'm very excited about this trip. I have remembered to look at what I can offer people. looking back on the past, and seeing certain people around me, I am reminded that I can and do effect some people in such a way that I can give them hope. happiness. just me being me can brighten a persons day. how great is that? so I figure, if I have that ability, why not fuel my inspiration thereby igniting others'? it wouldn't only be selfish not to do so, but it would be self defeating. I am that much happier when I can help others learn and have a good time. make jokes. what have you.

why do people ask questions they do not care about the answer to? I knew people did this, but I was reminded of it again just recently. I don't like it. moreso, I don't like when I don't recognize it, for I am failing at my part to hold them accountable for their perfunctory actions. whether or not it is my "place" do to so is not the issue, for I have now made the decision to make my response however I see fit. it's nothing malicious. in fact, I think it's a bit comical.

speaking of which, I need to do laundry.
everyone be happy god dammit, and love yourselves and others the best you can, it's good enough.

2002-12-31T08:02:00.000-08:00

now is my time

2002-12-29T01:41:00.000-08:00

I don't write in this much anymore. I had an interesting time tonite. I was in a spectacular mood today. I get really flustered REALLY easily, and.. I'm not sure there is ANY reason to allow that to be a constant characteristic of mine. so I guess that can be my next thing to work on.

why do I feel uncomfortable if I cry around my friends? that seems wrong to me. I guess, more than anything else, I just don't want people to feel obligated to comfort me. it can't exactly be ignored if someone at the table is crying, but I don't want to leave, and have it open for people to "feel bad" about me crying. it's cleansing for me. healing. it's not a BAD THING.

defeated I concede and move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
how pitiful

I don't like conversations that don't go anywhere. I mean, I can talk trivial, but what the fuck is the point to a conversation if it doesn't allow for anyone to get anywhere? fuck stasis. if it ain't goin', I'LL go. I don't want to do that again. not for one second do I feel at a loss for being so easily affected by things. I'm fine, I hope you are too. I want to just start crying out of no where and let people react however they see fit. I think it would be interesting. I think this is SO INTERESTING! I am in such a great mood! ah! this .. wooooo! heehhe
good fuckin' nite!

2002-12-26T15:34:00.000-08:00

vitriol.

2002-12-24T01:51:00.000-08:00

I kicked a dog tonite. the part that stands out most to me is, I hadn't realized what I had done until it was over. what the hell am I going to do if I'm ever a mother!? well, I know one thing... I'm really excited about naming my kid. I want this cool little boy, and I'm going to name him tristan insane keenan. what a great fuckin' name. I'm in an interesting frame of mind. I have so many different little things going on in my world right now, and I'm not even 'doing' much. interesting prospects, let's put it that way. everyone should get to be me for a day. what fun we'd all have. I took a "which donnie darko character are you?" quiz... I was samantha darko. talk about a fucking jip. I would SO be frank. I'd wager mr. cunningham's kiddie porn dungeon is no rival for mine, though we may still have things to talk about. merry america everyone. good nite.

2002-12-19T02:46:00.000-08:00

hi newt!

2002-12-18T13:50:00.000-08:00

you are never actually alone. I don't mean this in that "He is always with you" way. I mean, wherever you go, if you try to be alone, you must realize the company you keep is everywhere. you can be alone in a crowd of people. being alone doesn't mean no people, no distractions, no t.v., no music. nature, a restaurant, an empty house, YOUR THOUGHTS are your company. a volleyball even. we were never meant to be forced to abandonment. being alone isn't being surrounded by nothing, it's being in the middle of anything and not being affected. and even then, your company can be peace of mind. what is a genuinely good reason for wanting to be unaffected by these simple companions? it isn't romanticized, it's constrained.

if you're going to see something as you would through rose colored glasses, at least realize it.

everyone have a great day.
omnia quia sunt, lumina sunt

2002-12-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

that medium which caters to inevitabilities in non descript form should be recognized as such, and held to be nothing higher than symbolism mistaken for truth. unchallenged details blur the lessons and fanaticism drowns out the voice of reason and makes its message seem absurd. it is a sad time when hope and reason take a back seat to blind faith and ignorance.

I recommend the movie donnie darko to everyone.

just remember: there is only one blood royale.

http://www.bapho.net <--- it's clever! respect the horns

2002-12-14T01:38:00.000-08:00

why indeed.

I'll tell you the answer, but it won't satisfy you, just as it leaves me as unfulfilled. the answer is:

I can't say.

standing above the crowd
he had a voice that was strong and loud
and I swallowed his facade
as I'm so eager to identify
with someone above the crowd
someone who seems to feel the same

doesn't anyone feel this way?

2002-12-09T09:53:00.000-08:00

back from florida. it was a subtlely interesting trip. little things. so peter is back in town. it's so great to have him around. my sides hurt from laughing so much within the first 30 minutes, then we had a most serious conversation. I enjoy his diversity so. he brought up a question about why do we (at least he and I) value steve's appreciation of jokes so much, above many others? and I couldn't answer because this wave of memories just came flooding over me and man do I miss being friends with him. there is just something magical about him.
... ooh ooh! well, lovely. the mood has risen. now I'm off to spend quality time with will, peter, shannon, coire and teddy!! what a great bunch of people we are, dammit. people will be home later this week! score one for the home team. turns out holidays CAN be useful. that is, for things other than social realizations of superficiality and excessive materialism. genuine humanity at a low, consumerism at its best. you know the drill! happy happy! claire is happy!

2002-12-01T09:06:00.000-08:00

shannon and I might head out today for florida. depends on the weather down there. I miss warm sunshine. I had a lovely little time yesterday with shannon, craig and steph. one of the points addressed was how in any kind of a relationship, each person must be held accountable by themselves and the other for the effort of growth. it's so weird how it works out that if a person does so much, gives so much of their time and energy to the other, that they may actually be hindering the growth of the other person. it also can't become a game of not letting someone do things for you .. (maybe that could pertain to peter?) it's so delicate of a matter. we're kids dammit! we're not supposed to be masters of this! yet we feel the effects of the issues, all the while having this idea in our head of how it's supposed to be. shannon also made some comment about how females seem to have more of a "spiritual hunger" than males do.. at least around this age. all I could think was of a spiritual snickers bar that guys could eat to be up to par with our expectations. "spiritually hungry? why wait?" if only it were that easy.

on a more comical and creative note: I'm very interested in this talk of the comic book. I still want a puppy. that's all for this post. I hope you guys have a wonderful sunday and still believe in magick.

as above so below
into paradise they go
greater made is their woe

2002-11-28T02:38:00.000-08:00

it's scary just how afraid people can become of things they don't even know. I saw 'bowling for columbine' again today and it's insane how hype and scare tactics can influence people so intensely. there was this part I read the other day in 'the fountainhead' (nowhere NEAR finishing) about the crap out there, and it made me think about how those in charge of dispersing products/information shove it down the throats of the consumer/audience. now, some people may say that because of that method, the recipient has no choice but to swallow what is given to them. but they DO have the choice, they just don't acknowledge that fact. it doesn't help that the distributor of this CRAP convinces them this IS the individual's choice. you LIKE this bullshit we feed you. "it's soulless, uninspired, shallow and EASY... and you love it." fucking drones. batteries. tools. sheep, bleating for recognition. you say, "you can't shove it down their throats." .... I say, "you don't have to."

you look so precious. you look so precious now.

it's not that we need something to fill us up spiritually, emotionally and challenge us mentally. (though I think we do) it's that we have been conditioned to believe we should do so at any cost and take the easiest, most readily available solution to our problems. the quick fix solutions presented by consumerism and mainstream only mask and augment the gaps between the conflict and the resolve. iron sulfide. open your minds or open your mouths. what happened to society's gag reflex? we're deep throating satan's cock. THINK FOR YOURSELF.

2002-11-27T02:06:00.000-08:00

"Artists have always been the real purveyors of news, for it is not the outward happening in itself which is news, but the kindling by it of emotion, perception and appreciation."

here, here allen. damn that beatnik has a way with words. speaking of words, so we played loaded questions tonite. so much fun. I like aaron's mom. she's nice and interesting. had a lovely time talking to shannon today. pretty tired.. no need for complete sentences.. see everyone tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I love you guys.

I still like tool. good nite.

2002-11-24T20:29:00.000-08:00

so I saw "bowling for columbine" today. I highly recommend it. it's fun, funny and informative. I must be nearing a time of personal reflection induced by a tragically introspective realization of a short coming of mine. I feel too content with myself right now. my friends seem a bit lost for stability, excitement and inspiration. they are sad, bored and stagnant. at least, it seems that is all I can find with them now. everyone at each moment is unhappy with at least one thing. it's times like these when I have before thought I was on top of the world. doing well. progressing. then, a reality check. so, we'll see. as for now.. like I mentioned before; I'm really just ready for the next exciting thing to come along. I'm willing to 'make' it happen, but I want to involve the people I care about. no one seems to be that interested. or ready. I don't know. I have this "rescuing" complex. I wonder where it comes from? it fuels my lust for potential and vulnerability. plans to meet "the homeless guy" have been postponed. I'm going to go to bed and invision fun sexual things. know that I'm thinking of you. thinking of you. thinking.

sweet revelation.

2002-11-24T00:43:00.000-08:00

I need some over stimulation. I like "taking it easy" and sharing stories, but more than that, I like making stories. people don't seem to be as interested in my stories as I figured they would be. and man is it tiresome to return home to, ("so what have you been up to?") "nothing." people I talk to are depressing more than anything else right now. no one seems to be enthused about anything. perhaps spirits will be up once we are all back together again. it seems only natural. nothing more for now.

as full and bright as I am
this light is not my own and
a million light reflections pass over me

just let the light touch you

5

2002-11-23T00:42:00.000-08:00

what's the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson? neil armstrong walked on the moon. michael jackson dangles babies from balconies.

I'm going to go see "bowling for columbine" sometime soon. michael moore film. I've heard it's good. not much else on the homefront. oh except... FUCK guys with their busy hands and stupid cocks. fuck drunkeness and fuck people denying the appreciation of creation ONLY because they are being paid to. for the record, I'm in a decent mood. good nite all, love yourselves.

and what you never knew
can never get to you

2002-11-22T15:17:00.000-08:00

back from phoenix. what a great trip. I'll spare details so I can tell people the stories in their entirety in person. here are the things I missed: on my way to phoenix (with a truck driver who was hauling tool's equipment) we noticed tool's bus was off to the side of the road and all the lights were out. I insisted we check it out, despite the 'haul-ass' schedule we were to stick to. perhaps the band was in diar need of claire's assistance. maybe they said, "fuck this! pull over. we need a cool dog on this bus. we're not going any further until a cool ass dog is on this bus." despite my pleas, we continued on, and come to find out, the band and crew members were watching the meteor showers. if only I knew. they couldn't possibly have left a fan with a cool dog in the freezing desert nite air. so it goes. the first two days were nice, the next two PHENOMENAL, and the last two.... well, gotta balance out the good with the bad somewhere. sweet and sour baby. in a way, I knew it was coming. I believe I handled it well enough. I would have liked to have cried more, but. live and learn. I like what takes place when you allow what happens to happen. when you simply "follow your bliss" and put all else a distant second. great things can ensue if you allow them to come into being. I like this mood. it just now came upon me while writing those last few statements.

put yourself out there. be honest. be true to yourself. you can't go wrong with that.

HAVE FUN.

2002-11-15T01:42:00.000-08:00

I think I'll go to phoenix tomorrow.

I had a dream last nite four guys were giving me a ride home, and they kidnapped me instead. I got away, but it was still kinda creepy. I just want to mention a few things in brief, perhaps incomplete, sentences and you can make what you will of it.

*nervous to hitchhike (after that dream).
*VERY excited to have everyone in town for thanksgiving.
*cannot stop thinking about dennis, it's WEIRD.
*I want to be funny and have an audience.
*I don't understand a lot of people.
*look outside your ideals for just a moment and see how unique your surroundings really are. you may be surprised to find such beauty in such regularity.
*I think sherry is so damn great, and I hardly know the girl. I can only hope she considers me a friend.
*my dog is so great.
*I think masturbation in public places should be encouraged.
*I think molestation/racial/creed/dead baby jokes are the best.

LONG LIVE IRONY!

fuck the cowardly truths of the world, hidden in their guilty shame. everyone, recognize the beauty in the regular things in your life today.

wooooOOOOOOHHHHH PHOENIX!

2002-11-03T00:25:00.000-08:00

echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears

I've had two dreams now where dennis harrod calls me on the phone. I never talk to people on the phone in my dreams. both times I answered, heard him say something, then asked, "who is this?" and he would continue to talk his dennis harrod crazy talk, and I knew it was him, but both times I asked again, "who is this?" knowing full well who it was. and I was glad he called. last nite I kept asking him where he was, trying to get him to tell me, and he wouldn't. I don't understand what exactly my fascination with him is, but I find many times, a thought of him will enter my mind, and I feel... I don't know what I feel. last nite I started questioning if I have given up on him ever becoming what I think he is capable of. he asked me a few times if I would be in a relationship with him, be his girlfriend. if he were anywhere near "normal" I would have jumped at the opportunity. I watched the movie "my own private idaho" last nite, and he worked his way into my thoughts again, and I started wondering if I just don't know how to see what's special in him. I can almost see myself getting lost in his world. I've never met anyone who I felt that able to lose a rational part of myself in before. it's strange, I must say. I'm captivated by him. a plus of me going back home, honestly, would be the chance for me to see him again. there's some connection, I just don't know what it is, or what I'm supposed to do with that thought. perhaps something involving ... a golf course at nite and french vanilla cappucino? good nite all

2002-11-01T15:27:00.000-08:00

let's play: ~ ~ ~ NAME THE AMERICAN WHO SAID...~ ~ ~

..."The ' victory' of war is not held by those whose obliterate more of the opposing side. It is not measured by how many lives are taken, how much land is conquered, or which ideologies prevail in the wake of mass destruction. The victory of war is outside the possession of its participants. The victory of war comes only when that epidemic of insanity ceases to exist."

"When confronted with the pride-driven option of "justified retaliation" one must consider the level of ease with which a nation can become the very thing it is said to admonish. In fighting a "war on terrorism," our retribution has become the order of the day, outweighing the importance of diplomacy and even humanity."

on a lower societal rung note, I did not sell plasma today because there is a weight cut-off that I did not make. see, if you wiegh under 149 pounds, you only have to give 705 ml of plasma. if over, 845ml. BIG difference when your hand goes numb after the first five minutes. (this place SUCKS) seeing as how I weighed in at 147lbs wednesday appx. 5:00 pm, one would think I'd be AROUND that just two afternoons later. seven pounds, their scale claims I gained. 7 pounds in 45 hours. fuck-in bull-shit.

so of all the talk I can spout on how one shouldn't be effected by the superficial opinions of others, I sure am a hypocrite. .. eh, I don't want to get into it..

if one discovered the elixer of life, and offered it to me, would I take it? if they offered it to everyone, would I take it? if jesus were hitchhiking in a blue fuzzy bathrobe, who do you think would pick him up?

"the savage bows down to idols of wood and stone: the civilized man to idols of flesh and blood." g.b.shaw

2002-11-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

I want to meet warren from texas. I miss hanging out with will.

so I had this dream last nite. I've been trying to habitually say the phrase "is this a dream?" in my ' waking life ' so the posing of the question may pass over into my dream state. I wanted to be able to recognize in a dream, when something didn't "make sense" I would ask, "is this a dream?" and hopefully spawn a level of consciousness and lucidity to my dream. well, last nite was one step closer. last nite in my dream shannon's cat was there, and it's a black cat. he started off as black, and as I pet him, he turned into a white cat, then back and forth between the two colors. this didn't bother me, but it also didn't make 'logical sense' (though that doesn't seem to matter there/then) so I say aloud in the dream.. "is this a dream?" and I thought about it a bit.. and when I ask myself this question when I'm awake.. I always think of what I'm doing, and how I was ASLEEP at some other time, recognize the difference, and see that's not what I'm doing now.. it helps when time is relevant, so then I can realize, I'm awake. but in the dream, I could think of things I had done days before.. at other times, in that world. my dream world has begun to have a time frame, some kind of past structure. not all the time, but sometimes I'll be doing something (dreaming), and I'll remember another dream I had before, and there is a time and space connection between the two. I thought that was weird. my dreams have never really connected like that before.

in light of this new discovery, I am proposing the theory that what see/think of as the dream world is a glimpse to the fourth dimension. as far as I know, time and space are supposed to exist in that dimension, but after that, they are no more. so it makes sense to have a fine line between what is possible and what is "impossible." we need a transition phase. the fact that time CAN have no relevance, that you CAN fly, that people CAN look like someone else, but you know who it is. that is what we have forgotten how to do. KNOW things, for what they really are, and what they can be. I miss talking to my friends at denny's. I love you guys so much.

so. so you think you can tell

2002-10-31T15:30:00.000-08:00

so, a quick mention. circa one week ago, I happened across a blog. (http://thehomelessguy.blogspot.com/)
"the homeless guy" it is aptly entitled, and I recommend everyone at least check it out. I want to have coffee with this guy! he's going to be one of those stories, where.. some guy, living off the streets gets all famous with his "blog" he updates at a local library. he talks already of how he receives TOO MANY emails to personally respond to all of them. can't say I know what that's like. I wouldn't be surprised if some money-hungry, Hounding story goers approach him with an offer for a mini series.

so crucify the ego before it's far too late
and leave behind this place so negative and blind and cynical
and you will come to find that we are all one mind
capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable

all I want to do is go to more shows. that and have a meaningful conversation. I'm tired of saying the same things over and over. I read up on a few things about Hopi prophecies. I don't understand how so many people can believe so unquestion....ingly in the literal interpretations of things. biblically speaking, for one. one of the reasons, I believe, certain stories (ie: gospel of thomas, book of enoch, amongst many) where set aside and deemed "apocryphal" was because they convey a mythological theme (as if 'born of a virgin' and a FLOOD weren't archetypical enough.) how one can not see the reoccurring themes from antediluvian myths to stories of the bible is beyond me. but to see it, and then say, "ah but THIS is Truth" makes me want to fart blood. parables should be seen for what they are, nothing more. well, now.. I'm not too sure about that last statement. if I meant that, I'd have to also admit that I (the same) am not opposed to finding "atlantis" or the emerald tablet, the ark of the covenant, the philosophers stone, or any other holy grail which, in many circles, are believed to be tangible. maybe I just want the medium of believing in what their symbolic value holds, while not ruling out the possibility of an historical reality. in fact, yes. I believe that is it. truths such as these should not lose anything between a concrete 'proof' and an abstract belief. I think that's when truth can become a lie, is when those two ideas appear to be conflictive.* *(oh it's a word, don't question it)

well, that's a nice little revelation put into words. I guess I'll end on that note. or rather, this one:

"the ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr" -Muhammad

2002-10-31T14:22:00.000-08:00

the waiter at denny's gave me a free order of fries last nite.

I thought that was very kind.

2002-10-29T21:28:00.000-08:00

"a few days ago, a friend called me. he had been working the
show as a local in amherst. he got HOOKED UP WITH
TICKETS AND AFTERSHOW PASSES and wanted to know if i
was interested. no, i didnt pass out at this offer., but i was
giddy and couldnt sleep all weekend.....skip to the show:
THIS WAS, BY FAR, THE BEST TOOL SHOW I'VE SEEN!
it never occured to me that they could up their playing intensity to a higher
level. but i really shouldnt be surprised - IT'S TOOL!! i'm a
dancer - i get grabbed by music and i dance. but at this
concert i was dumbstruck and paralyzed, it was so beautiful.
i was too lost in watching maynard move on stage to recall
the set list, in order and everything. i know theres no
guarantee of meeting the band after the show, but
aftershow pass...backstage....new, exciting experience
anyways. i wasnt expecting any of them to come out, and
THEN MAYNARD WALKS INTO THE ROOM.
gblgrefahplrrr...um...did not know what to do with myself,
just stared in awe and watched him as he talked to i guess it
must've been a friend of his for 10 minutes. there were a
few other people in the room, some fans, and a whole lot of
groupies who were whispering and gigling or playing cool. did
anyone else feel like they died and were re-born in that
room???!!! ok...MAYNARD: he's had this amazing calmness
and tranquility, and so softspoken as he talked, but vibrant
with some really good energy at the same time. he was
laughing about something with the guy he was talking to,
and i kid you not - you could see the laughlines around his
eyes from the back of his head. how beautiful. recalling that
image makes me smile more than anything. he walked by
the table i was sitting at as he left. what could i say to him,
except "thank you". and he replied, "thank YOU." so what if
i didnt get taken backstage further to hang out with the
band more...i got to say thank you to maynard....do you
know how happy i am that i got to say thank you to him?
THIS WAS THE EPITOMY OF 6 YEARS OF, WELL, TOOLING. i
hope i have the opportunity to merely be in the presence of
tool again."

~emily

this just made my morning to read this review.

2002-10-29T20:13:00.000-08:00

life's candy and the sun's a bowl of butta! don't bring along your CLOUD to rain on my parAAAADE! haha hi everyone! god bless you barbra streisand. even for all the jokes I'll laugh at, made at her expense.. I WILL sing along. and I will gadly watch Yentl. I am in a wonderful mood. I love being me, and I love the people I have met, and those I have come to know.

I got some books today, eight for $2.00. none of which were any of the FOUR copies of "iacocca: an autobiagraphy." jesus, it is not a joke! any goodwillesque store.. GUARANTEED to be there. I got:
lord of the flies
walden (complete with a winning lottery ticket inside as a bookmark, $1.00 redeemable. that's just funny)
a tale of two cities
illusions (yes another copy.. if anyone wants it, speak up)
slaughterhouse five
macbeth
to have and have not
and something on metaphysics by.. some guy I haven't heard of. it was 25 cents.

oh happy day. my mom was like, "do you want any pants?" and I was at the book section the whole time thinking over and over, "I could eat books. who needs pants? pants? MY GOD! I could wear books." it just made sense. I had such a good day today, and it's almost all in my state of mind. splendid.

thank YOU

2002-10-29T02:36:00.000-08:00

how much time do I have on my hands you ask?

1.61803398874989484820458683436563811772030197980576.. I do believe.. oh and..

2.718281828459045236028747135266249775724709369995... that's all so far..

all in a days work. I am getting to despise hypothetical situations. I think I'm going to stop using them. they are silly, and serve no real purpose. here's my question for tonite.. what is an absolute? really, it's not rhetorical, if anyone has an absolute, I'd like to know. I need one to offset the "dismality" (is my word) of the triviality of life and all things in general. all suggestions welcome. for tonite: don't let your silly dreams fall in between the cracks of the day in the wall. (for those of you familiar with the line of which I just butchered, no need to bring it to my attention, I don't know what guy actually says, but I really like this line, and it's exactly what I want to say. so.)

g'nite.

2002-10-28T20:22:00.000-08:00

I know a guy. I know a guy who is wonderful. same guy.. same guy. this guy has had so many bad things happen to him. this guy has had drama in his life. this guy is one of the most capable guys I've ever met, let alone had the privilage to get to know. this guy has had many wonderful things in his life. the same guy sets himself up for things to happen to him. be it .. good or bad things. but, mostly bad things. sometimes the universe just has it's way of giving this guy one bad thing after another. but at the same time, this guy (unbeknownst to himself) brings these bad things upon himself. It has come to my attention that this great guy has a hidden need for bad things to happen to him, so he may, yet again, RISE UP to meet these challenges which life has posed to him. so that he may OVERCOME these harsh injustices. couldn't he just as easily realize he does these things to himself? I guess not. not yet anyway. I love you guy.

2002-10-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

well, it's been WEEKS if not longer, but this blogger thing is dumb, so it won't post. so much has gone on, so I'll just start from last nite. I went to my last tool show of the fall, perhaps ever. it was great. it was so much fun. I took my mom, and she had a GREAT seat, and she thoroughly enjoyed it. I was front row on the floor for the first half of the show. seeing the emotions on maynards face is amazing. .... well, sorry folks, but, I'm not quite in the mood to speak of such happy things anymore. I swear, the slightest thing here. it's so weird living with my mom again. I just assumed it'd be like before, but we've both changed a lot. she's really a lot more comfortable (in my opinion) with her life now, and so she has put it in her head that certain things are best done certain ways. it just makes everything easier. well, easier to me is a bit neurotic. my mom is not supposed to be neurotic. and to her 'argument', it is her house, and her life.. but geez. I dunno. it's just this weird new realization for me. ah, I'm going to go and ..do ...something.

I woke up and I was really bored today. like, *sigh* I really didn't like it. I didn't have any plans for my day. and waking up here, it's not okay to do that, before, I could just go to the park, or see friends. ah. for a later time. as for now, I'm off to go outside.

2002-09-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

so I bought 'the tao of pooh' yesterday, and just read the first few 15 or so pages. then it hit me.. "wait a minute.. tigger isn't in this." granted I haven't even finished the second chapter, but I'm willing to bet the guy wrote this, and deliberately kept the character tigger out of it. sure, I can see 'pooh' being a representation of a taoist, but I believe that is enhanced by the characters he chose to include to be around pooh. on the back it has pictures of the characters and says.. "eeyore frets" "piglet hesitates" "rabbit calculates" "owl pontificates" "pooh just is." sure, those other qualities are viewed as common, yet undesirable characteristics of human behavior, but pooh, oh pooh knows what's goin' on, and he just IS. I think tigger was left out because he would upstage pooh. that doesn't make pooh any less taoist, in fact, it would reinforce how TAOIST he really is, in that, tigger has a lust for life. most people I think would be drawn to that unbreakable happiness tigger is capable of. sure, he jumps into things without thinking.. but is that really something to hold you back from learning something from the character? I have heard wonderful things about this book from SO many people, and I think this evasion of upstaging was deliberate, and I don't think the author will even mention, "look, some of you may ask, 'what about tigger, where's he?' but I decided not to put him in this book to accentuate the peace of mind the characteer pooh embodies." I'm sick of this not 'addressing your true intent.' you're writing a book to make people think? why limit it, if YOU had more thoughts. wait a minute... hmm.. okay, here's what I think this author should do. have this book.. great, everyone thinks about how great pooh is in how he just "IS." then... write another book.. "tao of pooh 2" would be fine, and include tigger in all his tiggerness. I think that would be GREAT. I guess you are to have a message in each book. if it conflicts with other thoughts of yours, write another book. yes yes, I think that would be fun.

so, I'm just saying.. not to be cynical or.. anything.. just a statement. right before I left indiana, I felt this.. eminate, on the verge of something feeling. overcome by it. it was so comforting because it brought along the thought that.. I was going to be REALLY creative soon.. I figured being in colorado would set it off. it's great here. I'm with my mom.. happy.. but now that I'm here.. I've lost ALL of that feeling. I don't feel bad by any means, but I feel as though this just is not the environment my creativity craves. it's almost too laid back here, too comfortable. comfortable in such a different way from indiana. hard to explain. shannon and coire really like the atmosphere here. and by atmosphere, I mean mountains.

sunbathin' on the shores of a nightmare
wish you were here

2002-09-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why this won't publish. I feel rejected. My spoon is too big.

2002-09-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

Colorado.

2002-09-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

put on a hell of a show
SOLID GOLD
fresh young face
king of a lovely place
cynical life
wash your face
tryin' to make it better

2002-09-16T17:57:00.000-07:00

an old man and his son worked a small farm, with only one horse to pull the plow. one day, the horse ran away.
"how terrible," sympathized the neighbors. "what bad luck."
"who knows whether it is bad luck or good luck," the farmer replied.
a week later, the horse returned from the mountains, leading five wild mares into the barn.
"what wonderful luck!" said the neighbors.
"good luck? bad luck? who knows?" answered the old man.
the next day, the son, trying to tame one of the horses, fell and broke his leg.
"how terrible. what bad luck!"
"bad luck? good luck?"
the army came to all the farms to take the young men for war. the farmer's son was of no use to them, so he was spared.
"good? bad?"

I want to do things in my life that are small, but unique. I want to offer something to people that they didn't know existed. it doesn't have to be extravagant.

so there's always been this part in the book "illusions" where the idea of "I'll do what I want as long as it doesn't hurt others," is confronted. I think a lot of us have said that. the author gives this (in my opinion) HORRIBLE analogy.. something about a vampire. that was such a good story, and that part was such bad writing. but, I couldn't think of a better analogy for the point, though I agree with it to an extent. I was watching some movie, and it was a scene where.. situation: guy is in love with girl. girl is married, but they have been having an 'affair.' in fear of getting caught, she decides to 'take a break' or end it.. or SOMETHING. point being, she says the line "i don't want to hurt anyone." nobly so. but, when it comes down to it, she was hurting the guy who loved her. the guy she 'cheated' with. so, it's not that she means to hurt anyone, but there are situations where people will get hurt, for whatever reasons. to feel responsible for that is a dangerous game. you have to take into account what others do to themselves. plus, a psychological fuck-over can be WAAAAAY worse than physically hurting someone. I think. well, there's that thought. I don't want to 'hurt anyone' either, but truth be known, I have hurt people. many times. in many different ways. plenty of which, I'm sure, I'm not even aware of, muchless of their extent.
I think you just have to do your best and always try to see how you affect the world around you.

I'm in an interesting mood. I feel quite self-confident, but it's mixed with something else. I feel like a next big life lesson is coming my way, and I feel ready for it. I love being put in my place! haha. I feel a bit creative as well. I guess we'll see.

2002-09-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

my self righteous suicide consists of me under the impression that I'm 'killing off' the part of myself that I believe to be harmful or selfish or 'bad.' which in turn means the part of me I'm trying to acquire is 'better.' thus, me becoming closer to this 'ideal' is me in an indirect way saying "I'm better than you." which is NOT what I want. but rather, to advocate that ONLY on a personal level do I believe this is desirable. to each their own. either way, back to the point. it's a suicide in that, you are 'killing' a part of you (considerately of course) and what makes it 'self righteous' is that you are choosing to do so, with the idea that what you're doing is 'right' in some way. I believe I have been doing this to a certain extent for the last (oh say) YEAR. (the last year of my life has almost been segmented from everything prior as far as I'm concerned) now, the problem is, I see all this change. all this growth, and dare I say 'betterment' and no one seems to look at it the same way. that's probably a good thing, overall, but it still hurts in a way to have people think you're wasting your time, or... not living up to said potential. in a way, it's as though I don't think they "trust in my self righteous suicide." and maybe they don't. and.. maybe they shouldn't. the best lies are that which we believe even in death, for those are the ones that we never see for what they truly are, and isn't THAT a lie in all its splendor. oh FUCK I love subtlety. enduring subtlety.

what became of subtlety you ask? it became a marketing tool. a ruse. a concept which has been mistreated as to blind us to beauty in it's entirety. speaking on a mass scale of course. kinda sad.

oh and.. I'm moving to colorado on tuesday.

you may reach a million, and only touch a few.
nothing is lost in this display of numbers.

2002-09-14T21:03:00.000-07:00

I may as well post this. this tomahawk cd is aggitating my usually dormant libido. it's been quite controllable for some time now, but man oh man. all I can think about is screwing. my mom will love to read that. ah CHRIST I hope she doesn't. of course, I won't act on it, so I guess 'no harm, no foul.' maybe this is what it's like to be a guy. I do have things to mention. a couple of ideas around in my head, but all I can do is think of lying in bed listening to that cd some more. here's my reminder for tomorrow:
"I don't think you trust in my self righteous suicide"
plans of moving

I'll elaborate on those later. as for now, I'm "going to bed." good nite. *devious look on face*

2002-09-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to my NEW tomahawk cd. rock. I really like it so far. I hear some songs, and I remember them from the shows, and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. haha. mike patton is seductively inticing. and he knows a cool dog when he sees one. I'm currently awaiting phone calls which shall dictate my future plans. bless this moment of anticipation, for it is what creates chaotic revelry.

there are certain things I am dedicated to. dedicated with more than just an idea of social obligation or occupation. I want to live my life fulfilling such things. the question was raised if I feel I could dedicate my life to being with one person. my answer was yes, while others' answer was no. I'm wondering if this is my askew idealism speaking. now, I have it in my mind that I could, but also, I may never find that one person I could do that with. does that make me incapable? will my words be a lie if I say 'yes' and die having lived alone? I don't think so. perhaps I'm only lying to myself. won't be the first time.

god DAMN I love being me. waiting to hear from shannon. as for now it looks as though I'll be going it alone to seattle. maybe it's the mood talking, maybe it's the heroin; but I feel so at ease right now. I think it's this music actually. thank you mike patton, you hot ass mother fucker. I think everyone reading this should go get laid RIGHT NOW.

bend over and we'll hush the squealing
put on the mask and dance for daddy
wait for the word and say you're sorry
you show me yours, I'll show you mine
sit back, relax and hope
the second time ain't like the first

2002-09-12T20:44:00.000-07:00

I see a picture in my head of what I'd like to say. what I'd like to share, and I can't put it into words. not at all. it's also weird how I can see it, but it doesn't make logical sense to pertain to what I'm thinking. "it's just deep" *thumps chest with fist*

I'm going to buy tomahawk's album tomorrow. I've been cursing how I didn't buy it at the shows. I shall now go forth and support my music. I feel ... ?? wow, I must be REALLY tired, I CANNOT think straight. I'm going to bed. many thoughts, some feelings. my mission statement: to increase the value of the currency of character.

"these aren't even my real legs."
-three legged dog

2002-09-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

back from the adventure, in one piece. all the more experienced. I'm exhausted. and ready to do it all over again. write more tomorrow.

you are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true. you may have to work for it, however.

2002-09-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

round on the outside, hi in the middle. that's right, I'm in ohio. staying in some family's basement. damn it's cool to be me. shannon and I are almost back 'home' and we've had an amazing trip. people we'll never forget, memories we'll never lose. good times. reaching out to embrace the random never felt so good. my tickets for my tool shows in seattle and colorado springs are acquired. what the hell else? nothing but good times. I'm going to go watch the rescuers down under. rekindle some childhood .... we met this kid in canada, ay, and he said things to us about how he was so amazed by what we had to say. told us how, him meeting us changed his life. it's so inspiring to know that just by putting yourself out there, that you can share ideas, and that alone can influence others to live that much more deliberately. makes me want to pee on myself, I'm that happy. I want to dedicate my life to giving things such as that. I felt like the guru. that teacher that comes along when you're ready, and just when you think you're comfortable, chaotically enhances your life beyond what you thought was possible. all in a days work. I'm also just now wondering when my next "teacher" will come around. I know it will be when I'm ready.

hold your light and glow child, glow
I'm heading back home

2002-09-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

I'm going to go to bed. I'm going to lie awake for a while. reflect. I'd really like to cry.

This is my final fit, my final bellyache
no more waiting flipping through magazines
air brushed children
it's too much to take

love is not a fucking choice.

our great depression is our lives

2002-09-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

it seems as though it has been so long. I have a bunch of little things to say, and there's the main thing on my mind, which I cannot seem to grasp yet, muchless articulate.
quick run down: mike patton likes my dog and took pictures of her, and said something in italian about taking her from behind and something about "her cock"??? he was a nice enough guy. this whole past weekend was.. didactic, I guess is the word. I mean, it was amazing, and wonderful, and at the same time, a bit cleansing and emotionally draining. a good time, and yet, at times I felt so lonely and just SAD. a few reasons, none of which hold any water. speaking of holding water.. FATTY!

so I guess, I'm moving? to colorado. I can't stay here any longer. I'm taking off tomorrow for hitchhiking. niagra falls is the first destination. I sent money to sarah in washington for my tool ticket. so, there's $50 bucks gone if I don't get there. provided I get to colorado springs in the first place.. my mom is considering going to the tool show there. I think there are parts of it she will really enjoy. visually it's an experience.

I feel so disconnected from people right now. I feel alone? really alone?.. but I don't. it's an alone that could disappear in a second provided the right catalyst. right now my company consists of the music playing, and this computer. I'm not okay with that as a solution to my restlessness. fuck this passification. god damned pixel medication. temporarily I'm healed at a permanent expense.

here are words for my mood. I'll write later when I'm in a better mood.

this machine will will not communicate these thoughts
and the strain i am under
be a world child form a circle before we all go under

2002-08-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

it's all so trivial... I went swimming ass naked at deam lake with shannon and coire. that was fun. we sat naked in the moonlite and read things. where's the pachouli. I am so excited about my concerts, and I'm so scared about hitchhiking. going it alone is so different.

I've been watching a bit of stand up comedy. (comedy central, not live) and hardly anything, any of the people say is funny. and they keep shooting to the audience members, and they are cracking up. to quote the fisher king (which is an amazing title) "america doesn't know what funny is. they have to be told when to laugh." it's disgusting. I'd like to try to start to begin to (haha, oh so true) write comedy, be it a stand up act, or a skit.. something. these people are bland and humorless, yet they are on stage. they are in the position to be seen and heard. who hears me make the jokes when I'm naked in a boat in butt hole indiana?

scene: shannon, claire, coire are naked in a small, three-person, slowly deflating inflatable raft on a lake. shannon has just read a story written by a friend of hers...

shannon: so what'd you guys think?
coire: I dunno.. I mean, I liked it, but it left me feeling kind of.....
claire: naked?

I love you all, and hope everyone is happy and learning things. swallow this

"sanity is not statistical."

2002-08-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

I put my two weeks notice in at dairy mart. the plan is to, now, go to my shows (which hopefully coire will accompany me and watch syler rather than me leaving her in the car for HOURS) come back, then leave on short hitchhiking trips with shannon for the first half of september. about mid september, I have decided to leave for seattle. (subject to change of course, but it better not have anything to do with my pussing out) on october 2nd tool is playing in seattle. this really damn cool girl I met through our mutual interest in and respect for tool and their music, lives in seattle. we've only talked online, and once on the phone, BUT, I think it would be so damn cool to hitchhike, meet her, go to a show of the very band which brought us together, and have a wonderful time with it all. after that, I'll make my way to colorado springs for a tool concert on october 13th. they will be playing at a place which is LESS than a mile away from my mom's house. I can WALK to the damn show! so I'm going to go there, see that show, and visit my mom for a while. I'm so excited. I have no clue as to what I'd like to do after that. I miss being out west. we'll see.

I'm almost done with 1984 and it's so fucking good. I almost don't want to finish it, but I MUST! next, hopefully, I'll be reading "catch 22." learning is so much fun. I want to create more. it's not enough for me to 'just be me,' I want to inspire people, and be inspired myself.

now for someone else's words... have a great day everyone!

"for it is only by reconciling contradictions that power can be retained indefinitely."

2002-08-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

< According to Thelemic doctrine, the expression of Divine Law in the Aeon of Horus is "Do what thou wilt". This "Law of Thelema", as it is called, is not to be interpreted as a license to indulge every passing whim, but rather as the divine mandate to discover one's True Will or true purpose in life, and to accomplish it; leaving others to do the same in their own unique ways. >

love is the law, love under will.
do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

in the end, I believe I agree. in choosing to be here (right now) I believe we knew what this life entailed. I think we knew it would be full of suffering, conflict, misunderstanding and pain. and we chose to be here to experience these things as well as their counter. to take self awareness to the next level and go beyond good and bad, and right and wrong. who knew nothingness could be so wonderful, yet perhaps so very unattainable. the goal is to go beyond seeing 'will' and 'love' as opposing forces and realize they go hand in hand. and in the end, are one. love is the law. love under will.

possibilities of MORE TOOL! I have some thinking to do tonite. everyone, have fun at school :-)

2002-08-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

wondering where my stability lies. I'm in a good mood now, but I just know one thing could send me into a bad mood. a mood where it doesn't matter that I had a lovely day, saw good people. the other day at work, the manager put in her two weeks notice. the negative energy from her being upset FILLED me with this feeling of... discontent..ness? all I could think was "what the fuck am I doing working a peasly ass job that no one here enjoys." I'm supposed to be that one that comes in and shows everyone it's not so bad. the rude customers, the long hours and low pay, the constant reminder that you've dedicated your time to selling false hope and addictions (lottery, beer and cigarettes) and the gas to fuel their cars to get them to the jobs they hate to support those hopes and addictions. all for $7.00 and hour and the empty comfort that is 'an occupation.' yet, this woman's ephemeral .. (yet, strangely constant) mood of dissatisfaction affected me more than things of that nature had before. perhaps I am weaker now. perhaps it has worn on me more than I realized. I think the time is near for me to give myself a new environment which isn't so externally fleeting and inconsequential.

I'm really excited at the prospect of hitchhiking for a while. the more I think about it, the more I think I will get crazy cool stories and the kinds of experience you can only get from doing that which makes no sense, NO SENSE!

well you say you want to change your mind
I paid for your beliefs with mine
these hearts cannot be healed with time
you've stooped so low you'll never rise

2002-08-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

hi everyone! I'm in a good mood. I started 1984, I'm working 49 hours in a 7 day period 2nd and 3rd shift at a silly dairy mart to feed my addiction, and I witnessed a true expression of comfort. just as I'm wanting to meet people, they are all going back to school! ah well. it seems like I only have silly, trivial things to say today. maybe I'll just take the list approach, and update it a bit.

1) saw the movie 'signs' and STILL feel like I'm just MISSING something. it was so damn unclimactic. *shrug
2) 20 days until TOOL!!!!!
3) paul is a really good person who only makes me feel good about myself. he says things about how much he likes to hear my thoughts and how he's never met anyone like me before. it's one of those things also where.. it's not just words, coming from whomever. they mean a lot to me. it's nice to feel appreciated, I guess is what it comes down to. I like inspiring people.
4) tim went off to college, but left me with his e-mail address and a really nice hug and a kiss on the head. I can live with that for now.
5) I'm about 50 pages into 1984. it's fun to read. very VERY well written. I love the writing style.

there will be days of peace you'll never have the time.

I was just listening to that song, and that line just.. *sigh* I want everyone to know I love them. I want them to love themselves and be good to themsleves. I want life to feed from life itself. love is the law, love under will. my will is to love.

2002-08-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

it's way too damn pretty outside for me to stay in front of this computer for too long.. sum up: (in no particular order)

1) frisbee is fun and I'm so content right now.
2) I'm sore.
3) I met a cool guy named paul at dairy mart.
4) tim is hot and I want to see him again and hang out with him.
5) will is funny and his humor is ONLY rubbing off onto me, and my co-workers
6) got 1984
7) I love my friends, they are amazing
8) less than a month until TOOL
and the magical number nine...9) BOXING! AUGUST 12TH!

I wish you could feel what I'm feeling at this moment. bye all!

2002-08-03T15:57:00.000-07:00

some catching up to do.. finished "the wasp factory." some really neat mental imagery. I really want to start 1984 soon. craig and I got into this nice conversation last nite about holding grudges and judgement and retribution... STUFF. I, personally, felt like I made a decent point. that usually doesn't happen with craig. usually the conversation consists of him making really good points, and me making an ass of myself. long story short: in theory, I will not be upset with the man who kills my mom, though me not being upset with HIM will not lessen the effect her death has on ME. it was a nice conversation, and my point was, I don't want to be upset at people for their actions, no matter how much they may hurt me personally. I can already feel brian's excellent retort. I know what I mean, so despite the lack of logic, I still embrace the theory. I'm at shawn's, and don't feel much like writing, so.. I'll wait until I'm back at larry's. we have a wedding reception to crash.

those who know do not speak. those who speak do not know.

2002-07-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

actually, pertaining to newt, it is my opinion that it is not 'arrogance' that he is displaying. I think he just got carried away in his self confidence. his self esteem has increased so much for him within the past two years. I think it's easy to shoot right passed 'higher self esteem' into being wrapped up in yourself. which, I think, is the case. but hey, who the hell do we know that isn't self absorbed? it's not the majority, I'll tell you that. see, I've been going over and over that in my head, and now that I type it, it still isn't what I want to say. ah well.

I got the book "the wasp factory" yesterday. it's about some kid who kills things. sarah from washington said it was WEIRD. it's interesting so far. I think I want to write. I mean, the bitch of it is, I'M NOT A WRITER. none the less, I'd like to write. I want to create situations that make people think. that people can relate to their own happenings. HAHAHA. I love how I see the world the way everyone else does! "MY WAY!" *sigh.

I've been thinking of what I'll be doing after my concerts. I really have no idea. I guess I'll try to hitchhike out to colorado, stay with my mom for a while. be happy about things, pay her the $400 I owe her from 4 years ago. I still want coire to come with me. then I would feel much more comfortable about hitchiking EVERYWHERE! he keeps mentioning how he has to pay off student loans. free education my ASS. I can't argue with that, otherwise his parent's get stuck with the tab. fuck-in WEAK.

hmm, any new thoughts..? I'll think of some, just as I pull out of the driveway. you guys need a quote for today.

here you go: The Universe has as many different centers as there are living beings in it.
- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

2002-07-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

I finished "Island." I like the second half MUCH better than the first, and the last two chapters were very entertaining. there was this part where Al Huxley described this guy (main character) telling of his childhood encounter with the "Essential Horror." (aka death) he had this whole story of when he was ten if not younger, this family dog of theirs died. he was saying how he was raised with a very christian upbringing. emphasis on very. yet, within the walls of this christian house, the dog was where you could find "GOD." like the dog couldn't even hold it in. just radiating with love and acceptance. his parents could preach all they wanted and it couldn't hold a candle to this dog simply 'being.' I thought that was so cool. and do I ever agree. some of you may have heard some of my revelations of the same nature when syler ran away. she is the purest light around me. at my best moment, I'm still just 'trying.' she always just IS. I have been witness to a few encounters with people like that, even if it was just a moment, or situation. not making it a conscious decision to do "a nice thing" or "the right thing." that always amazes me, and it's all too easy to miss, so I'm glad if I see it.
..either ways.. the dog dies (not the happiest of deaths either) and it's like, "why?" why the hell would something so wonderful, so pure DESERVE such a degrading death? while that is an all too common question, it is a horrible one. it's like asking "why would God let terrorists fly planes into the trade centers killing thousands of INNOCENT people?" .."well, maybe for the same reason God lets people ask such STUPID ASS QUESTIONS." all right, I'm not going to get too negative here. I'll finish up with saying how I enjoyed that part of huxley's writing. the stories, the dialogue. I liked it. after that, I'll have to read "brave new world." I've only heard good things about it. that and "1984" of course, don't know WHEN I'll get to that.

I also started in on "essential kabbalah." I'm really not to happy with that. I don't know what I expected really, but.. I'm actually sick of reading about "god's infinite love." I agree okay!?!? I really wanted to know more about the tree of life, and the sefirot. words, origins. things of that nature. I'm either going to get 1984 next, or start in on the earth chronicles. I like reading. it's fun. and I HATE sitting in front of this computer, so for now, I'm off to the library. just thought I'd keep yous guys informed.

it's nice to read that newt sees himself being arrogant. I really didn't expect to see that side of him from when I first met him, but it sure is there. it's the mixture of quietness and honesty that allows you to miss the subtle hints that shows he is just like.. everyone else. but he's still damn great, and not like anyone else. funny how that works out. in honor of such discovery, I shall impart this quote:
"I love the wicked man who knows that he is wicked more than the just man who knows that he is just. But it is said of the wicked who believe that they are just: 'Even at the threshold of the underworld they do not turn back.' for they are under the illusion that they are being led into Hell so that they can redeem the souls from it."
-Tales of the Hassidim

2002-07-21T12:58:00.000-07:00

man oh man. even after just the short stint of partially staying at my aunt's house, I can already feel the difference. her house is so pleasant, so alive, so light. it makes ME feel lighter. (insert fat joke here) coming back here I can just feel the positive ions, if you will. hell, I'm in front of the computer right now! nothing new. this place just feels to stagnant. so dead. when I'm at nornie's I read. I play the piano, I look for a job! I went in today and submitted my application for hollywood video. I'd really rather get a job out by nornie's so I could stay out there more often.

I finally read an interesting part in "island." I think I caught the part I was supposed to. for the first 130 pages or so I thought I was just missing the entire point. it was this subtle little situation where a guy was explaining why their society (the one on the "island") hehe.. worked 'so well.' they had created a utopian society (with the help of a drug, go figure) but despite the ideal environment provided, children were still showing dispositions to social maladies. to remedy this, they would test the children, and those of which tested positive for ..whatever disorders were taken aside and taught how to love others, care about them and be sensitive to their feelings. which.. SOUNDS.. great. but, there was just this subtle, underlying notion that.. you're still conditioning them away from "who they are." I mean, if they were raised in this 'perfect environment,' then they would have inherently had these predispositions. I guess the question is 'at what cost are you willing to sacrifice individuality.' and.. I guess, the answer should be.... ( you figure it out for yourself :-) ) I have my answer. feel free to, the next time you see me, share your answer with me. it's all about sharing ideas, and evolving thoughts.. man..man, dude.
also, the argument stands for 'forcing' or 'teaching' love. it shouldn't go against your nature to love. to care. to be compassionate. how do you find unity outside of duality? how do you find resolve outside of confrontation?

also, if anybody has anything to share on the topic of "alaska" please do so. your quote for the day:

you broke another mirror turning into something you are not

2002-07-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

so ... if the Anunnaki created us to be slaves and harvest gold for them, and alchemy is the study aimed at the transmuting of base metals into gold... (???) are the two groups affiliated, or are alchemists just more devout slaves than your average shmoe? these questions and more....

http://www.earthportals.com/Portal_Messenger/sitchin.html

2002-07-17T18:06:00.000-07:00

land of opportunity!?!? all I want is a silly JOB!!! I'll tell you what is rude... a place of business with signs posted up saying "now hiring! (multiple positions listed)" then.. you go inside with hopes of becoming an employee only to be confronted with the phrase, "oh, we're not hiring." CURSES! they toy with my emotions so. so it's still unemployment for claire. with several applications submitted to many places between new cut road and grant line road, I guess it's waiting time. not to mention the damn IRS still owes me $183. I just want to make my way to my shows.

my mom sent me two books today, the tao te ching and essential kabbalah. I'm excited to read them. nornie (my aunt whom I'm partially staying with at the moment) is such the sweetheart. she also happens to have a piano at her house. though it is decades old, dingy, out of tune and the keys stick (if they work), it still makes noise. I sat down not knowing a damn thing about how to play much less make a note. I actually made music! it was so much fun! for the half an hour I played I forgot all about the fact that I don't have a job, that I have no immediate goals or ambition in life, that my friends don't approve of the choices I make or that I've never seen the god father movies. all that disappeared and I created art. okay, that's a little much, but I did enjoy it, and I'd like to do it more.

I guess my latest thoughts have consisted mostly of how people "take things." how people are affected by things. mainly other people's decisions. is it too much to ask for people to live and let live? I think, if you go through your life being bothered by other peoples' decisions, you'll always see things you don't like, and thereby MAKE it affect you (in a negative way). turns out, I have a twisted way of showing my optimism. heh, it's kinda funny, I think. how when I really "hope someone doesn't die in a firery car crash", people think I mean "I hope someone DOES die in a firery car crash." so much convincing in this life, I'm not sure I'm up for it. so much god damned ego in this place. I hope I can diminish mine before it's too late. I want a new happy friend. where are all the happy people? ha, I just looked it up.. firery is not a word.. it's fireable.. or something.. craziness. learn something new everyday. I stopped by dennis's house last nite. I guess he still lives with his dad. I'd like to see him for some reason. (thoughts including golf courses and french vanilla cappuccino race through my head) umm.. yeah... good health to you all! *bows*

2002-07-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

it's been a while..all the things that are new, however, are a bit in depth and I would rather not go into them on here. I'll be moving to louisville for a while (undetermined amount of time) so as to be closer to my upcoming job of being a crossing guard. oh man, I'll be bored out of my mind! but you know what will change all that... in a month and a half's time, alex grey's artwork visual bombardment unfurling before my very eyes complemented by the internal vibration and cellular reconstruction brought on my the musical outlet that is

TOOL.

yeah, I'm pretty excited. peter was in town and it was very refreshing to have his light around. I think my next reading material will be "island" by huxley. I'd like to pick up on reading again, I've slacked off. I think you have to know your weaknesses to overcome them. I don't like the idea of trying to ignore or fend off the darker side of things. it is just as didactic and involving as the lighter side. and a lot more intriguing. it is not my desired end result, but damn no I'm not going to deny myself the acquaintance of the empty companion that is my kenosis. if I do we both may disappear.

monkey!

2002-07-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

hoo ha. back from hitching, it was so amazing, I'm not even sure where to begin. glimpses of the different sides of humanity. I love the idea of putting people into a position to trust. prompting vulnerability for the sake of compassion and understanding. the entire trip is a year long story within itself, yet it was only a week. I can't believe how easy it was, and how comfortable I felt the whole way. I've been more anxious and uncertain lying in my own bed than I was for one moment out there. the love and acceptance that was the atmosphere at the gathering was inexplicable. the many greetings consisting of the phrase "welcome home" were enough to make me cry. I found sarah. out of the 35,000 people who were there, we managed to camp out about 100 feet away from her tent and find her within the 20 hours we were there.

coming back home was an interesting event in and of itself. whatever events had transpired within the past week had put a seemingly somber note on the over all mood of our friends at home. it's also hard to ignore that idea of separation I have between how I viewed my life and the life of my friends before and after this little experience. this life we choose still seems so imprisoned. imprisoned by fear, by lack of motivation. confined by escape and occupation. there was such a level of deliberate love, I don't know how you can come back to this lifestyle and not feel changed. even if it is subtle and of the time.

change is coming. mom's gonna fix it all soon. mom's coming around to put it back the way it ought to be.

lovin' you.

2002-07-03T01:53:00.000-07:00

wow, NOBODY reads this. ha. I think I like that then. we leave tomorrow. this is going to be so amazing. something will be learned from this, I guarantee. I wonder if I'll even come CLOSE to finding sarah? the odds are so stacked against it. but hey, it's me we're talkin' about. I'm off to bed. to each of you, my parting words are.. the Universe is a Practical Joke of the General at the expense of the Particular. I'm watching.

Goodbye all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change
My mind
Goodbye.

2002-07-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

coire and I leave tomorrow for michigan. I like how I can't begin to imagine what is going to happen. of course, I've been thinking of writing my silly letter which tells of my faint sense of how I won't come back alive, including instructions for my mom to "tell maynard 'thank you,' and to everyone: 'choose compassion over fear.' " I don't know why I think of dying so much. it just seems like death can be such a tool for everyone to learn so much from. I guess I just want to make people think. feel. know. BUT! as of yet, I have no real burning precognition of my physical death so I'm going to go ahead and put in an application for days inn for HOUSEKEEPING! hahah "hous-kee-PING" oh man, it could be fun. I just want money. tool tool tool.

so here's where I stand as of now on the whole "college" thing. ah yes, for anyone who doesn't know yet, turns out I got accepted into purdue. (MONTHS AGO) I don't want to buy any books. I don't want to care if I have a place to live or not, there has to be SOMEONE..SOMEWHERE.. and all I'd have to pay for then would be food. it sounds too flaky, I know, but... everyone seems to be quite content on me going. I hate that a main motivation of me going is to appease people. I have learned so much just in this last year. things I never would have learned in a college environment, I know it. and I cherish that knowledge more than anything I ever learned from a class. I can only hope that now, I can combine those two experiences and types of learning to find a completely new (and possibly self sustaining) method of BEING.

I want to jump off a cliff.

2002-07-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

so I gave nico away to this nice guy I always see at the park. I know he will spoil her rotten, but I have to admit, I liked that little dog, and I miss her. she was my novelty reason to go to the park, to go for a walk. granted, I still want to do those things, but those experiences are ONLY enhanced by a frolicking puppy. it's times like these I can't remember any of the instances I was upset by something she did (or didn't do). I just remember how DAMN cute she was. I wish her all the happiness.

I had a revelation yesterday, but I didn't talk through it, so I'm still not too sure how applicable and valid the thought was. it's something to the effect of: for a while now I have considered myself a pretty fun/happy, positive and optimistic-like person. especially in my thought process as of late, I have made it an objective of mine to try to be more POSITIVE. despite my efforts, it has been brought.. around my attention that I am quite NEGATIVE about things. so maybe this needs a second look. I see now that there appears to be a trend. when I speak of people whom I, for the most part, don't care much for , I say things such as "well, I think deep down they mean well" or.. "uh... they're a decent person" ..some aspect that looks at what they are beneath the noticeable superficiality, ennui, or selfishness.. any characteristic I thwart. (hah, 'thwart' is a funny word.) but when I think about people I really like, I accentuate the 'bad' things. which aren't always BAD. maybe just something I think (and what the hell do I know) could be changed for the better. again, who am I to say what is 'better' for someone else? well, I'm claire fuckin dufton and I care about my friends, so when I see something I feel is hindering them, fuck yeah I'm gonna think about it, and if you're LUCKY I'll bring it up. it's all in how YOU want to handle it. I think it has to be kept in mind that this is only my opinion, and anyone who takes it for more than that.. well, then maybe it does need to be taken into consideration. you know? One of those.. “why would it bother you if there was nothing to it?" scenarios.
I was trying to come up with some really basic analogy for this. Something involving a shiny gem or something, that could be that much “better” if someone just picked it up off the dirty ground and polished it a bit. The gem itself is no better or worse, it’s always a gem, but rather is able to shine more lucently. others can see this, and find more beauty and richness in the world because of it JUST being a gem. Walking by in a regular old field, “THERE’S A SHINY GEM!” It just makes you happy. …but I couldn’t think of any half way decent or creative analogy, so I just won’t give one.
I guess if you want to shine.

Long story short, I’m happy with this small revelation, it makes me feel.. not negative or even cynical or pessimistic, but rather idealistically expectant?? I see the potential, so I expect that. And as of now, I am fine with that way of thinking. I like it.

Well, I just had a nice little chat with my mom about how it would be STUPID of me not to ‘give college a shot.’ “stupid” was not the word I need to hear used to describe my situation. I just have a bad history with the idea of “stupid.” Forgive me for being subject to the residual effects of years of being ME. So I guess we’re back to considering that again. I wish I could just give my ‘situation’ of college to someone who really wants it. I have friend(S) that should be in purdue right now, and they are not. And when they do go, they sure as hell won’t have their fucking tuition paid.

Claire’s fatal flaw: I’m paralyzed by my own good fortune.

2002-06-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

chicago. cleveland. cincinnati. three nites in a row of pure ecstasy. for anyone who doesn't know, peter is to be moving back down here the weekend of next. back to my pure ecstasy. it's so odd just how inspired I can be by something created by people I've never met. I DID, however, have the chance to shake danny carey's hand, though I hardly find that to qualify.

I'm trying to think of something that is new to me..it seems like I have good things to say. coire and I are thinking of hitchhiking up the the rainbow gathering in michigan. I'd like to try, if for nothing else, the experience. I guess the only other thing would be.. I've been thinking about things that have gone on between newt and me and the way we think about things. we have discussed many different aspects of, and opinions on "love." ahhaha one of those ideas you should just never even try to contain with words. either way, I (for the longest time) thought we had a pretty damn similar take on LOVE. when it's there, and when it's not, what forms it may be in, and what forms we feel we're looking for. to me, I have no interest in getting into a relationship with someone unless I am absolutely head over heels for them.
let's just use the words "spark" and "connection" to describe that FEELING. I guess I would be too quick to assume that everyone knows what I'm talking about from experience. maybe some people don't need that from another person. maybe they don't need it at all. this may be where newt and I differ on our ideas of love. not only do I desire that 'connection,' I need it. I cannot convince myself I love someone, I just know. and that 'spark' is the catalyst. I still can't shake that idea that.. this is just another one of those things that I can ONLY see my way, and not understand how people can do without that SPARK. one day, I hope I learn how to understand where people are coming from.

and nobody nowhere understands anything about me and all my dreams lost at sea
QUAE NOCENT DOCENT

2002-06-25T13:42:00.000-07:00

“Growth is the only evidence of life.”
--Herb True

here, here herb.

2002-06-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

we must acquaint ourselves with the pleasures of vice so that we may come to know it in all its depravity.

some how... my idealism ..and optimism .. and personal opinions... have become.... negative. funny how we each see the world. I think maybe that if you look up "realism" "honesty" and "negativity" you will find they all mean the same thing. they seem to be interchangeable. see, this may sound 'negative' already, but to me, it's very true. so. maybe take a second and think about why it's negative. don't sit there and work up an argument, this isn't for ammunition. this is for clarification. take no sides. voice no truth. just sit there, and ponder a bit. try to see more than just one side, more than just your side. try to understand the situation. and for fuck's sake, don't take things so personally. that's one of the four agreements. tractor.

I miss peter. everyone have a good nite, and be kind to your friends. we are all reflections of each other. ciao bitches.

2002-06-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

there seems to be this recurring theme to people's lives that dictates a lot of how they live, and their perspective on life. I remember times when I would see something dangerous to do. not even life threatening, but dangerous none the less, mostly involving the potential for physical pain and injury. I remember thinking how scary it would be to "jump from here to there" or "walk on this shaky, dead tree" or "hang upside down from this." whatever it was, I was intrigued by the idea, and I always said to myself "I would do it is my life depended on it.. yeah.. I could do that." then I walked off in the clouded comfort that "I could, and I would." but that's just it, my life did depend on it. the very essence of living and taking chances. "if my life depended on it." what a shitty phrase. your death may depend on it, but to think your life doesn't..that's just a lie. every time you convince yourself you have the experience of something without ever having actually done it is a lie. how many times have we all done that? too many, I say. and we don't even realize it. these are our lives and they're ending one lie at a time.

I've also heard, "I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not ready to die yet. there's still so much I want to do." hell heard it?!? I used to say it. and believe it. I can honestly say that if I were to drop dead right now, I wouldn't feel 'jipped' in the least. is this simply from a desensitization to the joys and possibilities of life? my subjective answer, posing and an objective one, says no. I used to be afraid. at one time, a declared fear of mine was dying alone. not lonely.. alone. I think the latter is much worse. I remember thinking how awful that was, and to me, it was a reality. what if I never found others to make me feel worth anything? what if I never found anything worth dying alone for? but somehow, over the course of two years that fear has completely vanished. why? no clear cut answer comes to mind. maybe it's a combination of things. (that's usually how it works) it may just be my neophytic opinion talking, but I truly feel content in my comfort with the quintessence of life and death. which is like saying I feel comfortable with a toilet and a commode. ah, the many references of the word toilet. all in all, life and death are the same damn thing. a million times over.
I guess what I'm addressing is: 1) people's lives are dictated by fear. this is not how it's supposed to be. part of me has overcome a part of fear. but I don't know how, so I'm unable to make that particular effort a conscious one to change that in other aspects of my life. 2) I have no idea what I'm trying to say.

there was one thing I told bob in california when we were swapping our 'secrets to life.' I told him to never let fear control him. I would like to now propose that to everyone.

2002-06-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

-kahlil gibran
The Prophet

2002-06-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

what an interesting day.

I kind of wish I would have posted earlier when I was jazzed about.. stuff. I've decided to go ahead and purchase a ticket for the chicago tool show. I shall do that tomorrow with newt, who (dare I say) I get the distinct feeling does not really want to be around me at the moment. and the hits just keep oooon comin'! man, oh man. I seem to be having a really bad affect on people as of recent months. it's all my negativity. I guess I should just, shut the hell up. I think I may try that for a few days. I've always wanted to, just never made myself. it would be pretty easy now. not a lot of times I need to speak. ah man. I really don't like this. people are starting to not like me, for .. being me. I mean, this is a part of me.. so, you know, how am I to react to this? I just don't know where to go. I tried staying, I tried going away, I tried going inside myself. I'm not sure what to do next. home. I want to be home. soon now. I guess maybe I need a complete separation. either way, I had a nice day.. and I'm excited at the idea of facing my fears and insecurities. my reality is so fucked up! ha! oh well.

teddy... you're a damn beautiful human being. sheer poetry.

nite all!

2002-06-21T07:36:00.000-07:00

maybe this foghorn will help you understand what I'm saying.. "waaahn waaaaaghn."

I guess it all started when I went to sleep, which really goes back for about a week now. not once in the past week have I actually BEEN tired. so I read an entry in nate's blog and stated thinking about why I'm sleeping if I'm not tired, and why I'm not tired, which I trace back to not being active during the day... and last nite it all piled up in a sort of half asleep/half awake/mild mannored anxiety attack whilst thoughts of pointlessness danced in my head. I just kept thinking about.. ok. lets say I don't jump trains this summer with david jarboe. lets also say the big group of people (all of whom I've NEVER met) doesn't go either.. what then. go on my own? I doubt it, but what else? It's too late for any decent attempt at college. I don't want to work a real job (or even a crappy one for that matter) I'm not meeting any people I'd like to devote much time to. (hell, I'm not meeting anyone at all) so now I'm stuck to think about why I don't have those aforementioned things. then I realize that what would make me happier would be to just say "i'm going to school" see, people ask you "what are you doing these days" if I could say.. "well, I go to school." then it would be left at that. they'd say "ah.. good, good." what can I do outside of school, outside of work and outside of a quality relationship? I'm stumped. this is probably one of those things where.. I just have to work on myself, and one day I'll read this and say "man, talk about pathetic" but I really can't think of how to better myself and stay as happy as I am when I'm around other people. I mean, I'm reading fun stuff.. but..no. that just doesn't do it. I just don't seem to feel the same around my friends. (that has a lot to do with it) I just feel like I've become that person .. that person you'd compare to an old toy. the one you used to love to play with so much, and now you just keep it around. maybe once in a while it's fun to play with, and you just don't throw it out because of the value it used to hold. I miss making jokes with my friends, I don't seem to be funny anymore. I think a bit of that has to do with my atmosphere. ah. whatever. "the truth is, it's me."

here's how my day could become a stuPENDous day. david jarboe could call me, tell me he's 100% sure he's going on trains.. BUT.. he and the group will not leave until at least september 1st. maybe the 2nd. where then, I say "horay, thank you for telling me." then, tomorrow morning I shall make my way down to a ticketmaster place, and buy myself a ticket to the tool show in chicago on august 29th, then I will also buy a ticket for the show in cincinatti on august 31st, THEN think of how when I come back home from those shows, I will leave to find a new home. THAT would absolutely make my day. I guess we'll see.

well, I honestly feel a bit better even just after writing this silly thing. my day still seems really fuckin pointless though. see, that is what is odd. my day would be so wonderful if I just got that information. it's so weird how things can change just by your frame of mind. I get word if this, nothing technically changes. I still have not a god damned thing to do today, but I can go off and do nothing, or sit around and do nothing and be in such a great mood. weird. I guess that's where the whole "mindfulness" thing comes in. I'm bummed out, and willing to do nothing for the rest of my day because I'm thinking purely conceptually. huh. enough for now. everyone have a great day!

2002-06-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

people back from roadtrip! last nite I basically was filled in on most of the main jokes from the trip. it was so funny to hear, and see the reenactment of, those jokes. good times. if there is another trip, I'd love to go. I picked up my mom's lawn mower, which is now my lawn mower, from the house on penn street. I'm hoping that I will go door to door and ask people if I can mow their lawn for a reasonable amount of money. I figure, this way, I can believe I'm doing close to as little as you can do in this society to make money and not contribute to the foul social hypnotic conditioning which has brainwashed us all leading us to forking out high quantity/low quality processed DEATH, confronting people with a prewritten spiel which you are simply paid to sound like you care about, or just a good old fashioned job you don't give a shit about and complain at the end of everyday. oh, that and I like being outside.

so one of my final thoughts last nite made me realize that I'm a cynical bitch. who knew! I was thinking of the relationships of people I know, just the first ones that came to my head, and I came to one relationship of all the ones I thought of that I believe to be a "healthy relationship." the thing is, I HARDLY know the either of the people in that relationship. the only one I could think of that I ... "like(?)" is james and sarah. other than that, I see all these things that I find very "unhealthy." (is really the right word.) I want to say I see the good things in all these relationships, but if that's true, why do I get so hung up on the bad? I mean, if they are happy, right? okay.. I think I just found my problem. see, I have my little idea of how people are when they are really happy, which of course I believe is not just my opinion, but this is fact. dammit, it's back to that again. I don't know how to tell the difference between what something is, and what I see it as. I think a major influence is my moms current relationship. my mom throws off everything I want to believe about things just "not working out." okay. IDEALISM. here, I say (jokingly) that I am a cynical bitch, when really I believe I am just being patient until that thing (be it a relationship or whathaveyou) comes along that I don't have to convince myself I'm interested. I don't have to sit and debate on whether or not this is what I want. I don't have to analyze ANYTHING. I just know it's what I want. maybe other people don't feel that? but I know I DO, so once I know that, how could I work any other way about such important subjects? I guess it's like I want to jump straight into that career I love, meet that 'soul mate' person. I know what idea I want (just don't know the details) so I guess I don't feel like anything less than that is... necessary(?) how can you go against what you truly feel!?!? (or don't feel for that matter) ah, I think I've really digressed and still made no point whatesoever. take what you can from that, I guess. I just don't want anybody to not follow their heart. wow, that sounded way too sappy.

for anyone who cares and doesn't know, mr. williams's (the man with the red cowboy hat) wife died. yeah. I guess I just leave it at that.

so some guy at the park was mentioning how having a second dog is like 20% of the responsibilty of the first dog. which, I agree with. it's just a bit more for food, and shots, and medical.. stuff. which is well offset by the fact that you have two dogs, and they can keep each other company. ...yeeup. so now that smaller percentage of me that likes the idea of two dogs is a bit bigger. no no no, certainly not anytime soon (not with my financial resources) but um... yeah. ah temptation. okay, that's enough for this post, to each of you I bid "woooooo.. woooooooo. wooooooooo..... wooooooooo." I love you craig!!!!